Expert: Marilyn - 10/8/2005

Question
Why is it wrong to use a toy when having sex with your husband?

Answer
Hello Millie;

Love to know the back story on this question--what led up to this point.

The answer to the question is:  I don't think they're wrong--per se, but the question raises some concerns.  Sex toys aren't things you can buy at the local Wal-Mart or Target or Christian book store.  You have to get them online, from a catalog or from a porno shop.  So of course, that leads to the question: "what are you doing looking at that kind of material?"

Men are usually the ones who peruse sex materials and usually the ones who want their wives to experiment with them in using sex toys (often after they've been looking at pornography).  If pornography isn't involved, sex toys often indicate dissatisfaction with the pleasure level of sex.  Either way, or in any case, be ware of putting pleasure as the goal of your sex life.  

When pleasure is the goal, it usually also becomes the idol and once worship of pleasure starts, the actual pleasure level drops like a rock.  Kind of like drug addiction, once a person achieves a certain level it takes more and more to get near that initial high and eventually there is no high to be had.  Pornography also has that effect.  Pornography and pleasure seeking are like being grabbed by the hair, having one fantastic experience--maybe more--but in the process the inside of the heart is drained so that only the husk is left.  Once that occurs, intimacy is difficult to achieve and the person once loved and adored is like a machine to be used and cast aside if it doesn't perform to expectation.

The greatest sex organs a couple have going for them are their hearts and minds.  The objective of sex, as God meant it, is intimacy--the melding of hearts and deeper joining spiritually--pleasure is just the side benefit.  For intimacy--the sharing of the heart and spirit--sex toys are completely unnecessary, in fact, they might actually hamper true, one-flesh union because they make pleasure the objective.

My advice is for you to examine your motives in wanting to use a sex toy and examine where you stand in love, not the level of sexual heat you are enjoying, but the level of intimacy you're enjoying.  Seek greater intimacy and use your largest sex organs--your brains and hearts.

There are exceptions to most every rule—perhaps your case is an exception--I don't really feel I have enough information to tell if you're an exception.  Ultimately, it's between the two of you and your Creator; the matter must be put before the Lord.  

“And let the peace (soul harmony which comes) from the Christ rule (act as umpire continually) in your hearts—deciding and settling with finality all questions that arise in your minds—[in that peaceful state] to which [as members of Christ's] one body you were also called [to live].  And be thankful—appreciative, giving praise to God always.”  Colossians 3:15, Amplified Bible.

Sincerely,

Marilyn