Expert: Walter Hintz - 1/2/2011

Question
QUESTION: Hi!  I wasn't sure where to classify my question.  It is more of a sanitation question and I couldn't find anything similar to that on the list.

My husband and I live with my mother-in-law.  She is extremely unsanitary, to a point way beyond what is healthy.  We keep the rest of the house clean and we have cleaned her room and bathroom several times but she lets it get so nasty that I know it's a biohazard/health hazard.  

Her bedroom looks like an episode of hoarders.  In her private bath (and parts of her room), there is feces and urine everywhere.  There is feces all down the front and sides of the toilet, the carpet is saturated/covered in feces, we've even found it on the walls because she doesn't wash her hands or doesn't wash them well.  I sanitize everything she touches elsewhere in the house constantly, but the smell in there is so horrible that we can't even be in there long enough to clean it.  She also only showers/bathes once or twice a year... which she denies.  She thinks a cold wet washcloth on the major areas is the same as showering and we've tried to explain the difference.  So the smell that radiates reeks of rotten body parts, feces and urine.  She is not very old or physically disabled, she's just nasty.  We've tried to explain how terribly bad it smells and unhealthy it is, but she just acts like it's nothing at all and we're just overreacting.

I know that many, many diseases are spread by human waste and that it cannot be healthy to breath in the fumes constantly, so I am desperate for information.

I am really out of options here and I thought, maybe, if I could get someone to explain the very real dangers that she's exposing herself to (as well as us and everyone that visits) then maybe she would grasp the severity of the situation and at least try to work with us a little bit.  PLEASE HELP!  I don't know what else to do!

Thank you so much!

ANSWER: Hi Heather
 I am afraid that you do not need me to tell you that this is a health hazard. Unfortunately you need to seek help from a social worker and a doctor. Your mother-in-law is mentally ill and requires professional help. It is amazing that she does not have physical problems. Consult with someone from your local mental health organization to come in and talk to her and then get her to a doctor for a checkup even if you have to drag her there. Do this before someone else in the family gets sick.
I am sorry I can not help you more but this is the only advice I can give you. I would be interested in what happens if you wish to get back to me

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes, I know.  That's the problem.  Thank you so much just for confirming that I'm not totally insane because I believe the situation to be unacceptable!  :)

She had a nervous breakdown like 30 years ago and she's on meds and sees a doctor and Psychiatrist, but none of them care.  She had an episode a few years back and went to a mental hospital, but they just dope her up and kick her out.  They keep sending her back home with us to deal with.  I think a great deal of it is just extreme laziness myself.  She can function just fine when it comes to something she "wants" to do... like driving to go get her hair done every week, but when it comes to anything else she just refuses.  She also works as a door greeter at Wal-Mart.  We don't have anywhere else to live right now so I'm very afraid of some courses of action.  I thought if I could find some facts about how nasty this is and how harmful it can be (other than us telling her so) to herself and the people she supposedly loves, then it might help.  The family doesn't help at all.  They don't have to deal with it so they just dismiss it.  They grew up with her being nasty (and they're not the ones that have to clean it up) so they're just like "oh, she's sick" and "that's just how she is."  Their dad had to do it all through the years and then as soon as the youngest graduated college he bailed.  Unfortunately, that only left us.  At first, I just felt like we were helping her out... now it's been 7 years and though she is much better than she was when this started, we just can't get her to work with us.  The only answer I know at this point is to move and call social services, but we can't afford to right now so we're stuck with her.

I'm at my wits end because it's like no one around us realizes the severity of the situation and we can't make them understand.

Answer
You have a real dilemma here and I am not qualified here to help you much. I can only tell you what I would do. It appears that her medical care is taken care off but I find the apathy of the medical people to be outrageous however.
I would involve social services and get a social worker to visit and talk to her. I would also call in the health department. With the house is as bad as you said then they can force her to rectify the problem. She will most doubt be furious with you but so what.
Meanwhile continue to work on finding a way to get out of there