Expert: Libby Bonner - 1/17/2008

Question
Hi
I am married to a man who adopted two children from his ex wife. His ex wife has borderline personality/bipolar disorder.
The oldest child now 15(Kyle) has had thoughts in the past of killing his mother and of committing suicide. although he seems to have no thoughts of this anymore and its been a few years he now acts normal like nothing is ever wrong hes always very quiet!
The 11 yr old girl Illy, has constant thoughts such as we need to lock all the doors and windows because someone could come in and slit our throats. When asked where she gets this she says her mom!
She tells us about her screaming matches with her mom but then says things like "Oh but I don't want you to think bad of mommy"  now she just doesn't say hardly anything at all and we know why. But were worried she is always scared to go home but doesn't know why she is scared. This woman work for the health unit promoting health. She doesn't think she needs to be medicated and we are really worried that this is having an affect on the kids. I have never seen such things with my children and it worries me. I truly think having a non medicated mother who from the outside appears perfect but from everything else is pointing to an explosion which I am sure is going to come soon.

The kids wont say anything, the little girl is not aloud to be angry, sad or upset with her mother EVER! Not aloud to vent and one day it was only a few days after Xmas after having a mini argument with her mother on the phone she had a bad dream waking up saying that she was on a diving board and then she jumped into some waves thinking "oh whats the use anyway" she said she didn't know what her dream meant!

She cant take a pill shes afraid to die, she cant ride a bike because she is petrified to die, she cant go to an amusement park because people fall off rollercoasters and die, when asked where she gets it she says her mom or she tries to cover it up.....

We tried to bring this up in court but because she had a note from Childrens Services worker saying everything was fine the court didn't want to hear it! However we have went back to Childrens services and they are going to reiterate that letter because it was apparently a friend of hers from that place who wrote her that letter!

What should we do? We are lost, we want the children to be mentally ok? And unfortunately they are NOT, they are messed up! Any advice would be appreciated ( There has been so much that has happened but this woman is a  good talker and she definitely looks professional and like nothing is wrong) She know show to play the system!

Answer
It doesn't seem to me that you can change the mom, force her to take meds, or whatever.  And proving she is unfit isn't working.  However, it seems likely that you can intervene in certain ways to help the kids, and that you will be more successful focusing on that.

They have joint custody, but the kids live mainly w/ mom??
If your husband legally is a joint custodian of the children, then he, or he and a lawyer and a court, if the ex won't agree, can arrange for  psychological and/or pyschiatric examinations of the children.

Depending on whether by agreement, or court order, the exams will surely indicate that treatment is needed and then ex and husband agree can agree who will treat, who will pay, etc., or a court would do those things.

OR - again, if he is truly a joint custodian, he must have the right to talk w/ the children's school/s or teachers or school counselors.  Perhaps you can more easily arrange for testing through the schools, rather than as I suggested above.

I realize now that I am not clear about either of the kids' behaviors.  Do they have friends?  Do they do well in a regular classroom?  Are they courteous and pleasant w/ you and your husband, or unruly?  Have they ever been suspended from school?

There is another issue.  With divorce, it's usually best for the children NOT to have to report to either parent about the other parent.  [And best if the adults downplay spontaneous reports when children visit.]  Please try to find some books that will talk about divorce and children, about step-parenting, etc.  I am thinking that probably you should not ask about the mom, except pleasantly [ How is your mom?], and perhaps even take some tales you have already heard w/ a grain of salt...  Try even NOT locking doors and windows [except in the girls room, perhaps], saying that it may be necessary to do that 'at home' but that 'things are OK here, and we don't need to do that.' Try, and see if some things like that will help.  And don't talk at great length about the phobias, etc.

This is not my area of expertise, except as a parent myself, but I would try to tone down talk of mom, and even of fears....listen, but don't react much....just agree that 'IF that's how it is, that's certainly too bad' but then go on w/ trying to steer the talk and the play and the visit into pleasant normal channels, doing things that the children do truly enjoy and things that don't worry them.

You can do a great deal, yourselves, to be healers, and to be models of sane, sensible, loving adults.

If good evidence, from testing, etc., does show that the children should have visitation revised such that they spend more time, or most time, w/ you, are you prepared to undertake that?  Something to think about.

Again, the focus is on the children and the present, not on the mom/ex and the past.

If you are in the US, pls go to nami.org to find an affiliate near you.  [Nat'l Assoc for Mental Illness.]  And/or call or email the state office to see if there are Visions for Tomorrow classes offered in your area.  IF the girls have behavior problems, attending would be a great help to you.  The classes are weekly for 6-8 weeks and are free.  You would also get to know some parents and foster parents who also have troubled children and/or children w/ troubled mothers....and continuing contact w/ these people could be very helpful to you in the future.   I imagine they will also have excellent local info re custody, etc.

Pls write again if you have new info, or if you feel that I can help.