Expert: Libby Bonner - 1/24/2008

Question
Hello,
My wife recently had an affair, the first I am aware of and this is completely out of character for her.  We are both 35 and have 2 children ages 5 and 7.  We have been extremely close as a twosome and foursome for our whole relationship.  However I feel as if I have had to be my wifes counselor more often than is normal.  When our 5 year old was born my wife now admits she had post partum depression.  Our marriage has been more and more diffucult ever since.  Now she had the affair and says she has no idea why she did something so horrible, she loves me and the kids but just said screw it.  She has been hyper sexual at the end of the last 2 summers and the affair occured this september.  She was totally hypersexual with me at the same time she was having sex with him.  I don't know if I'm grasping at a straw with the bipolar thing or not.  She doesn't have much family, but her only uncle has been bipolar for  several years and I could see her grandpa as being an undiagnosed depressive.  The counselors are all calling this a mid life crisis but I'm not so sure.
Thanks for any input you might have,
Sean

Answer
I think you are probably on the right track.  The next thing is to get your wife to a good psychiatrist for diagnosis and treatment....could take awhile to settle on right med/s, right dose/s, so will take some patience.

In the context of depression + hypersexuality, one would have to be thinking of bipolar.  A note on meds:  bipolar depression is treated differently from "regular" [or even postpartum] depression.  You should be wary of anyone who wants to put her on anti-depressants only: can trigger mania in bipolar.  Anti-depressants are usually added LAST, and then rather cautiously, if bipolar depression lingers after usual and customary med/s are in place and most other bipolar symptoms are controlled.

Also, re end of summer: it is not usual, but certainly not infrequent, that bipolar persons have mania or hypomania pretty much at the same time every year.

If your wife or counselors resist the doc, simply agree that they are likely right BUT that you will feel much better after she has been seen by a psychiatrist and mental illness has been ruled out.   Save a lot of arguing on your part!

More on bipolar:  nami.org and mentalhealth.com

If there is a NAMI affiliate near you, you might benefit from the personal experiences of members and practical info, like - who are the good docs nearby.

If daily communication is a recurring problem, pls write again - book suggestion.

Good luck.  I see a clear path ahead and hope your wife will soon be receiving meds - you will both benefit from her taking them.  --  In promoting a psychiatric consult, do make it clear to all that this will not be 'talk therapy' or deep secrets delved into:  it will be a  diagnostic work-up and Rxs.  AND - nearly forgot - be sure that you are in friendly partnership w/ wife AND psychiatrist from the first: attend a few moments of a first or early appt, and GET a form signed such that you and the doc can exchange clincial/home info.....otherwise you could be totally, legally shut out of info, unless wife chooses to share.  [Privacy; she is an adult, etc.]    Also, a 3-person team, pt, spouse, doc, produces a better outcome....little important details don't get lost along the way....patients do forget details, quite innocently, and it's good to get all the facts set out before the doc.  And you can take his/her measure, and s/he can take yours.  Doc will see the real husband rather than the one described by possibly ill patient....

Good luck.  She does love you; don't doubt that.