Expert: Libby Bonner - 10/13/2008

Question
I have been with this guy for a little over a year and he has completely done a 180 on me. When we first got together he was quiet shy and very agreeable. Now he is loud abnoxious and very disagreeable. He told me it was because he stopped taking this pill called larazapam(no idea how to spell that). But he has started taking them again and he is still not right. He gets mad over the stupidest things and says things that don't make sense. For example one of our fights we have is about his obsessive need with having junk all over our back yard. When I complain about it he will say its because he has nowhere to put his stuff. It makes no sense. This stuff is junk out of the trash that he scraps at a later date. He started being really mean to my son and yelling at me all the time. He forgets stuff all the time and he always thinks everybody is out to get him. He has kicked our door in burned my moms clothes on fire and drove all crazy with me and the kids in the truck. He also says really mean things like we fight over his ex wifes family all the time because he always goes over there when we fight and I think we should could first , so this one night he told me if my son (he isn't his real father, but hes been calling him dad for a year now and hes 3) and his grandson (he isn't his real grandson but hes been there his whole life)were in a bathtub drowning he would let my son drown. It got so bad he was admitted into a stress center where they changed his meds but he still has fits. He will get mad and break stuff and leave for a couple days at a time. I told his physciatrist I thought he was bipolar cuz all the males in my family have it but they dont even act that bad! and his physciatrist said he already tested him for it and he doesnt have it. To me he is and maybe something worse but I would like to know a second opinion on the bi-polar thing. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Answer
It's hard to tell what his doctor might think he has without knowing what meds were prescribed [and then I still might not know.]

If you are in a position to talk w/ his psychiatrist [or maybe just when he was in the stress center??], these are the questions to ask:

Does he have a single diagnosis or more than one?  What are his diagnoses?  What meds have been prescribed for each diagnosis [exact spelling] and what dose?  What symptoms is each medicine supposed to help?

I'm not sure how recently he was in the stress center, but if his meds and doses are right [sometimes it takes some experimenting] and he was there 6 or more weeks ago, I would expect him to be showing some improvement.

If he is not, it's possible that the meds or doses need changing, and you or he needs to let the doc know how awful things are.  It's possible that he is not taking all of his meds, all the time, as directed.

And, of course, it's possible but less likely that one or more diagnoses is wrong.  So that is another question for the doctor:  What symptoms does he NOT have that make you feel he is not bipolar?  There are no tests, unfortunately, for any of the mental illnesses, but there are certainly clear guidelines to help decide a diagnosis.  I think, when the doc told you he had 'tested' him, he probabaly meant he had checked his symptoms against the guidelines.

This would be another question for the doc:  are any of his problems NOT mental illnesses, that is, are they maybe personality or character disorders?  [And, which ones?]  If he has any of these, treatment is more difficult because most don't have specific drugs for their symptoms.

IF you are not permitted to speak w/ the doc any longer, you can certainly write the office or call the nurse, to report what you are seeing.  They maybe have no idea.  [This is a privacy thing: you maybe can't see the doc, or talk w/ him, unless your boyfriends has given, or will give, permission.]

Since he seems to be quite ill, you will go on seeing this behavior until proper treatment is well underway.  He is not himself, and you are making your life harder by engaging in arguments w/ him:  he cannot reason right now.  If you still want him in your home, this sick, pls buy this book so that life can get a little better.  The author is Woolis and the title is When someone you love has a mental illness.  You'll get good ideas on how to tone down the arguing, how to talk effectively w/ him...  It will give you more confidence.