Expert: Libby Bonner - 10/10/2008

Question
I detect what appear to me to be 2 or 3 different personalities within my bipolar girlfriend depending on the state of her depression. This is very disconcerting.
Is this observation common to carers/partners ?
I find this hard to assimilate.

Answer
I would say its very common and that it is NOT indicative of multiple personalites [which I think are now called dissociative personalites...perhaps; maybe dissociative disorders.]

As her depression worsens/improves, she goes through stages such that the person you thought you had figured out seems to mutate into another one.  I am not suggesting that all persons' depressions would go through stages, and certainly if there were stages, I would expect variations among patients as to how many stages and their nature.

If she is willing to be communicative about this - more likely when less depressed, or not depressed at all - she may [or may not] be aware of this and could tell you what it looks like from her perspective.  If you can get that far, perhaps you can ask what she needs from those around her -- but her answer/s are likely to be along the lines of wanting to left more and more alone.

She might dislike a lot of overt, expressed sympathy - perhaps you could ask.  And trying to "cheer her up," as an activity, will be enormously frustrating to you and probably very unwelcome.

Then we come to:  how to you get your own needs met as she withdraws?  That is a question to ponder.  Some tolerate it more easily than others.

You might check nami.org to see if there are any books recommended for families re depression.  Dbsalliance.org might also have some recommendations.....however, I'm not sure to what extent that site deals w/ major depression, as oppposed to bipolar depression.  I mention it only because major depression and bipolar depression are treated differently, and I didn't want to raise confusion.

Thank you for writing.