Expert: Libby Bonner - 3/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I have been seperated for nine months, off and on for the last 2 years, when he was diganosed bi-polar.  we would have been together 10 years this coming October.  We have had 2 kids both girls, 2 and 4.  

I understand know that I didn't have good knowledge back when we were together, and I was disgusted with him, because a lot of times he drank, and still does.  

9 months ago it got really bad and we got in a fight, in front of the kids, and he hurt me really bad, choked me and head butted me.  He did kind of remember it, but many times when we have fights of just yelling he doesn't remember!

I keep holding out hope that he will want to get help, he has been to rehab twice in the past two years, off and on med's and he thinks he can kick it all by himself.  He also says if I was at home it would give him a reason to get better.  He has at times told me he doesn't want to do it, he would only do it for me and the kids, which he HAS to do it for himself to make it work!

I want to make things work, I want to be back home, but I am so afarid of him, and I don't think I can live like that, but yet I just can't let go!!! I feel like life is very confusing and I can't make an on the spot decision about any of it!  

So I guess I really don't have a question just maybe some direction and advice.  

Thanks and take care,
Layla

ANSWER: You are right to be afraid of him now and right not to believe that your being home would help him.

Here are several things that that will help you, some of them right away.

Info on bipolar:  mentalhealth.com and nami.com

Also at the nami/NAMI website - National Alliance for Mental Illness -you will find information on a local affiliate near you, and information on NAMI's free 12-week class, Family to Family.  If you have a choice of several affiliates, ask each whether they have a support group for families.  For myself, I would be willing to spend time and effort to get to a support group...and also to the class.  The instructors have ill family members and so does everyone taking the class.  I hope you can do one or both of these things.

A word on Family to Family.  The dates for classes at nami.org are not always current.  I would contact the state NAMI office to find out how soon there will be a class near you.

You must buy this paperback book, and read it again and again.  The author is Woolis and the title is:  When someone you love has a mental illness.  It has helped thousands, and it will help you.  You will learn more effective ways to communicate with him, and ways to protect yourself and to set limits.  You will also learn more about bipolar and about the things that mental illnesses have in common that make life so difficult for families.

I am wondering what family/friend support you have right now - are there adults you can rely on?  People who understand why you are afraid?  If not, I hope a NAMI group might help you find someone to talk with, not just at meetings.

I'm not sure how other issues are working out.  Does he see the kids, and where and how often?  Do you two date, or sleep together?  It will be hard to separate emotionally if you do.  Might be dangerous to stop, though....so think carefully about it.

Do you work?  Who does child care?  Do you have enough income?  Does he work, or want to work?

I hope this email answer will lead you to sources of help so that you can begin to make some good decisions.  I think that, after reading Woolis, you might find ways, and the determination, to spend less time with him:  less time in person; less time on the phone; less time going over choices......in ways that will make your life easier without angering him.     ----  Or, besides "less time," you will find ways to make contacts with him come out better, have contacts that don't  stress you so much.

He is probably very sick right now, probably doesn't mean all the good OR bad things he says, can't get better on his own.  You can't depend very much, right now, on what he says, because the thoughts he expresses are often actual symptoms of his illness, and not the thoughts of the 'real' him.

You are right to be cautious, and to think first about the children's and your well-being.       ---  There is one other book that might help your understanding of him, but I am not too confident that you can use its suggestions to get him into treatment.  Do get it and read it, though...the more info you have about mental illness, the better.  Author is Amador.  Title is:  I am not sick; I don't need help.  Get the latest one - the date would be 2006 or 2007.

Good luck, my dear.  I have been just as afraid and confused as you.  Please write again anytime.




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Just to update you on more information about me, and my situation.  No we have not had sex since we have been separated 9 months ago, we have talked about it but never done so, yet we have talked about maybe going on a date, BUT I seem to never get a babysitter!! We have both sleep with other people since the separation, but nothing more then that, we both agree that we want a relationship, but he thinks he needs me to get better, and I say I am not coming back till he can get a better handle on himself.  Which he says if he is ok for 30 days would I come back, I am thinking more like 60/90 days to more! He began yesterday taking anti-buse, because he has been drinking, he doesn't want to take his efferox or depacote (I don't know if I spelled that correct) and doesn't want to take anything else he says he can find out how to control things on his own, yet we have been doing this carnival for almost two years know!

I do have support from friends, family, and even co-worker's, yet everyone thinks I should be done with him and get rid of him with a divorce, I have went to a lawyer and had paper's made up, yet I have not signed and I have not given him them to sign, just can't seem to do it, because I know that will be the ending of your relationship and all we have like our house!

He is on unemployment, and goes to school 4 days a week from 8- like 1.  He has about a year left of it.  

He sees the kids if I stop by, if he seems to be doing ok, which means that I talk to him on a day to day basis and then a couple of hours with him at his (our house, the girls and I live in my grandma's old farm home)  then if I feel that he is being honest about how he feels I let the girls stay for the night, then pick them up in the morning.

The girls go to daycare during the week while I am at my 40 hour a week job, daycare is 1/2 mile from work. He has never had a good working automobile, yet this weekend he did get a good running one, yet he has and never will pick the girls up from daycare, because I would like for him to, yet I am never sure if he will be drinking, so I have never had him get them from daycare.

Income wise I am lucky enough like I said to live in my grandma's farm house so rent is 200 which includes water and electric, yet I was the one who took on the truck payments we were paying and with them and insurance I pay 500 a month for all of that, I have tried to trade in, yet I can't get I co-signer! so I am stuck with it for the next 3/4 years.  

I work a lot of over time during harvest season (I work at a grain elevator) and get bonuses threw the year and with my share of the income tax, I hold enough to make sure I and the girls are ok.

My sister and her daughter have also moved in with me last month,  her husband wants a divorce.

I will check out the site's you gave and the books.  If you have any other word's of wisdom for me I would love to hear them!  

Answer
Wait to make any changes until he has been on Antibuse 30 days [and can somehow prove it to you] and until after you have bought and read the Woolis book.  If you have only his word that he is attending school regulary, I would want some proof of that as well.

If things are OK, as above, AND YOU HAVE GOTTEN AND READ THE BOOK, this is what I myself would want to do next.

I would want to make sure that his diagnosis hasn't changed since he began the antibuse.  A patient who is [bipolar, was it?] and abusing substances should act and be a little different after a month on antibuse and not drinking.  I would want to make sure that the bipolar diagnosis is still thought to be correct and that the 2 meds are still thought to be the right ones.   You could possibly do this by going w/ him to his next appt w/ the doc - one doc prescribed all three meds, yes??

I would also want him to be on whatever other meds are thought to be right - probably still effexor and depakote - and would want to go with him to the next couple of appts after that; the doc might see that he needs to change the dose on one or the other medicine, or stop one and start a different medicine.

Only after he has continued on all prescribed meds and the doc is satisfied that the meds and doses are right would I even  think about going back to him.  WITH everything OK w/ meds, it's possible that there will still be future problems and that he won't ever be exactly the same person you first met.

If you go back, I would try to go with him to as many appts as you can.

He CAN NOT cure, or improve, the bipolar without meds.  Promises made while he is off meds don't count.  Promises made once he is faithfully on meds are worth listenting to, esp if you and he and the doc get together and discuss those promises together.

If the doc can help him to get a social worker, it would be a big help to him and to you.

You also have a roommate now, to talk with and to help share expenses.  Your need to go back is somewhat less now, so give yourself and him a chance to get this all straightened out.

Good luck.