Expert: Libby Bonner - 5/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was dating a man with bipolar disorder.  Both of us just got out of three year long relationships.  He was engaged to his ex.  It was not a healthy relationship.  She acted ashamed of him and turned her ring around at work.  My former relationship wasn't healthy either.  Things were moving quickly and going very smoothly.  We were both equally making plans for the future and were very intense.  He told me he was bipolar right before we started dating.  Monday night he was telling a coworker about how excited he was to be going on vacation with me next month to meet my family.  Then Tuesday, he called me in the afternoon from work and told me he felt like he needed to breathe and that he was not in his own body and he wanted to still go out on dates, but he needed some time for himself.  He wanted to still do all of the things we planned, and he was not breaking up with me.  He said he would call later, and did not.  I left voicemails and texts and did not hear back which is extremely unlike him.  The next morning he called and broke up with me over the phone saying he needed time to figure out who he was and he needed to be focused on himself and couldn't fully give me the attention I need a deserve.  He had me come and get my stuff out of his house and we gave eachother back the keys.  This change was all very sudden.  The only mood change indication I got was Saturday when I had to work late and so Sunday he told me he felt alone Saturday and I wasn't there to entertain him.  I felt he was acting selfish and this was a behavior I have never seen him exhibit.  What's up with the sudden change from him telling me he's never felt as loved as I make him feel and we have a bright future together to him totally cutting me out of his life?  I am very confused as are all of our friends.  He is 28 years old and was diagnosed about five years ago.  He takes a pill every night and sees a doctor about it to get his refill.  He doesn't really open up to her from what he says.  He says I did everything perfectly in the relationship and it's him, not me.  Today I saw him at work.  He was purposefully outside when I got there and he was acting like nothing had changed, yet now this person who was totally codependent and needed my constant attention has totally cut me out of his life.  Thanks for your response.

ANSWER: Short answer, because I am home w/ flu and pneumonia:  it was the stress of the vacation and meeting your parents.

Assume that all is going to get right again and have faith.

Learn all you can about bipolar: nami.org; mentalhealth.org

If you are going to be a couple, pls do plan to take the free NAMI class, Family to Family.  Your chances of success will go way up.  Do WHATEVER it takes to get to this 12-wk class.

You will also benefit enormously from a NAMI family support group.  He also should try, if available in your area, NAMI's class Peer to Peer, and their new weekly support meeting, Connections.

The other absolutey essential key to long-term success is that you and he should go to all his doc appts together.  If this is unacceptable to doc, get a new one.  If unacceptable to fiance, you and he will have to negotiate it.

I would hope also that at some point his parents and yours will have taken Family to Family.  A support network can make or break this.

I'm too sick to have read every word, or to have proofed my own, but trust me and take it on faith:   let this  current crisis work itself out w/o a lot of talk or breastbeating; all this occurred because of a flare-up of illness caused by stress and has NOTHING to do w/ anything but him suddenly becoming quite ill... Become an expert on bipolar, decide if this is a life you can live and, if it is, go on to a better, next page.

All my best wishes.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much.  I really appreciate you taking the time to help considering you are so sick.  The friend who has been checking in on him for me says I should send him an e-mail simply stating that I understand that he needs time and space.  I am afraid to initiate any communication for fear he won't respond and I will be hurt even more.  Another friend said I should approach him Monday at work and tell him I need to talk to him, but Wednesday night when I went to his house to get my stuff he did not seem in the mood to talk.  My heart and instinct are telling me to leave him alone and that when he is ready he will contact me.  I have just never experienced anyone acting like two different people like this before and can't believe that he would just stop wanting to be with me.  Thank you again for your help!

Answer
Forgget friends.  YOU become the expert and then YOU decide what to do - NAMI can help with that, now and forever.

The right answers are in your Q.  Send him an email, maybe not even right this minute, saying that you are thinking of him and his welbeing, that you are concerned, AND that he need not reply to the email.  [Tho you are open to messages from him, whenever.]

Leaving him alone is the RIGHT thing, w/ hints and advice from the friend who is checking.  Meanwhile, don't waste a minute becoming an expert: nami.org.