Expert: Jennifer - 5/19/2008

Question
QUESTION: I was dating a man with bipolar disorder.  Both of us just got out of
three year long relationships in March.  He was engaged to his ex.  It was not a
healthy relationship.  She acted ashamed of him and turned her ring
around at work.  My former relationship wasn't healthy either.  Things
were moving quickly and going very smoothly.  We were both equally making
plans for the future and were very intense.  He told me he was bipolar
right before we started dating.  Monday night he was telling a coworker
about how excited he was to be going on vacation with me next month to
meet my family.  Then Tuesday, he called me in the afternoon from work
and told me he felt like he needed to breathe and that he was not in
his own body and he wanted to still go out on dates, but he needed some
time for himself.  Until Tuesday night we hadn't spent a night apart since the end of March.  He wanted to still do all of the things we planned,
and he was not breaking up with me.  He said he would call later, and
did not.  I left voicemails and texts and did not hear back which is
extremely unlike him.  The next morning he called and broke up with me
over the phone saying he needed time to figure out who he was and he
needed to be focused on himself and couldn't fully give me the attention I
need a deserve.  He had me come and get my stuff out of his house Wedneday night. This change was all very sudden.  The  only mood change indication I got was Saturday when I had to work late and then on Sunday he told me he felt alone Saturday and I wasn't there to entertain him.  I felt he was acting selfish and this was a behavior I
have never seen him exhibit.  What's up with the sudden change from him telling me he's never felt as loved as I make him feel and we have a bright future together to him totally cutting me out of his life?  I am very confused as are all of our friends.  He is 28 years old and was
diagnosed about five years ago.  He takes a pill every night and sees a doctor about it to get his refill.  He doesn't really open up to her from
what he says.  He says I did everything perfectly in the relationship and it's him, not me.  Thursday I saw him at work.  He was purposefully outside when I got there and he was acting like nothing had changed, yet now this person who was totally codependent and needed my constant
attention has totally cut me out of his life.  Thanks for your response.  The one friend who is checking up on him for me and hanging out with him says he isn't depressed, but I am thinking that he would be able to hide his depression.  This friend says I should e-mail him saying I understand his need for space and time and says he doesn't think he wanted to break up with me.  What should I do?  He also was saying that once I am apart from him I will realize my feelings for him weren't as strong as I thought and that he isn't that great of a guy.  His 4 previous relationships were with women who all were unstable with weird issues and I am "normal"-- have a great job, have it together.  Do you think he will come around on his own and what should I do?  Thank you.


ANSWER: I would like to ask you a few questions before I will be able to give a well-informed response.  

1.) What kind of medication does he take (if you know) and has he indicated that he's had difficulty in consistently taking his medication as instructed by his physician?

2.) Would there be any possibility that during the conversation he had with the co-worker, he might have been given some information relating to you, which might have caused him to feel embarrassed because not only did he not hear about it directly from you, but it seemed like he was the only person who didn't know?  

3.) When past relationships were brought up in conversations between him and you, did he talk about what caused his relationship(s) in the past to end?  Were any specific issues mentioned that he attributed as problems that were exclusively caused by his partner, and anything that he did was in response or reactionary?  

4.) If you were to look at your situation from an outside perspective and after taking it down to it's most basic parts, what would you think about the following scenario:

  Your close friend tells you that they have met someone and that they are getting closer and more seriously involved.  Then, they go on to tell you that the person they have been seeing had ended a 3 year relationship a couple months ago -- like they also happened to do around the same time frame with their own 3 year relationship.  Your friend has said that the relationship they just ended was unhealthy, and that was one of the reasons for why they felt they should end it.  After they tell you all of these things, they ask you if you think that this new relationship will be good for them to continue; what would you tell them?  

one last thing

5.) When he told you that he was bipolar, did he also give any reasons for telling you before you'd starting dating, and did he share any other information about himself that you felt some uncertainty about whether it was a good idea to continue to pursue something with him romantically?  

Hopefully you will have the time to respond so I can better answer your question about your relationship.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi-- thanks for responding--
1) I think he takes risperdal (sp?).  The wife of the coworker I have checking up on him is a nurse and looked at it and said it was mostly a sleeping pill.  He takes it every night before he goes to bed and it makes him sleepy.  He was on trips for work and on the phone with me for several hours at a time on nights he wasn't taking it and was very talkative.  On nights he took it, he fell asleep while we were on the phone.  This was in March before we started dating.  
2)I think that this friend/coworker wouldn't have made him feel embarassed.  I was very clear in the voicemails I left Tuesday night that I didn't want him to break up with me and we both have been very clear about how we felt about eachother and that we weren't rebounds.  He told me several times in the past week in person and on the phone and through texts and e-mails that he was happier than he's ever been and we were meant for eachother, etc.  Wednesday night when he had me come get my stuff he asked if I wanted a hug and hugged me twice.  Real hugs.  
3) Yes.  He told me -- adn we talked about all of this stuff before we started dating -- that his marriage ended because of him being bipolar.  He said he was always angry and yelling at his wife and couldn't control his anger.  He hadn't been diagnosed yet.  He also married pretty young like 20 or 21.  His relationship after that was purely based on sex and it was with a bi woman who was leaning more towards the lesbian side.  After that, he dated a drug abuser.  After that, he dated his ex-fiance.  The woman he broke up with in March.  He proposed to her in October.  When he did, her answer was "maybe."  She was just using him for his money and he says she did not contribute in any way to the relationship.  He says kissing her was like kissing his sister.  He was shocked when we went out to eat and I automatically took out my credit card and paid.  He never had a woman do that before.  He mentioned how when his grandfather (who raised him) was convicted in a trial, his ex wife acted selfish and did not console him and he cried alone that day.  He told me on more than one occassion that he'd love me until he had no breath left in him.  He's very romantic, yet because he has been hurt 4 previous times in his 4 past adult relationships, it was hard for him to open up.  I never did anything to make him doubt my feelings.  Even Wednesday he kept saying I did nothing wrong and that I did everything perfectly.  He said that when we first got together and he asked me to rub his belly, and I did without hesitation that he had asked his ex-fiance to do that several times and she never would.  He was shocked that someone (me) he didn't know as well could be so caring.  When he and his ex-fiance were fighting, he'd leave the house and call me.  He says he'd always have to be the one to go to her to make things right again.  She would never go to him.   In the first disagreement we had, I went to him and afterwards, he said he noticed that and appreciated it.
4)  The former unhealthy relationship I was refering to was the 3 year one I just got out of.  That guy sliced a knife through his wrist in front of me and said he was just joking and I should have broken up with him then, but continued dating him.  If I were to look at everything from an outside perspective-- well, I'd say what all of my friends are saying, that they're shocked Z broke up with me because they would tell we were happy and good together.  When people found out we were dating they were congratulating us like we were getting married.  My mom said she hadn't seen me this happy in years and his grandfather said stuff to him about me being his soulmate.  When people found out we were together they all finally said how they felt about his ex-fiance-- that she was horrible.  No one, no one liked her.
5)When he told me he was bipolar, it was on the phone while he was on a trip for work.  He kept asking me to ask him questions about himself and I kept saying that I knew everything I needed to know.  I mean, I came up with some questions, but he asked me far more.  He was very thorough.  I think he was trying to see if him being bipolar would scare me.  I think my reaction was like - oh, well if you're taking medication for it and it's under control now, that's good.  This is when he told me that that was why he was divorced.  I didn't feel like it was a red flag.  
Bottom line, I think he freaked out.  He got scared that since all of his other relationships have sucked that he didn't know how to handle someone who takes care of him, instead of him having to take care of me all the time.  He's not used to a 50/50 relationship and that's what this was.  A side note, the ex wouldn't give the ring back and he served her papers twice and almost had to go to court.  She finally returned the ring two weeks ago.  So that was something stressful that was going on the whole time we were dating.  I think he really just felt overwhelmed and needs time to get his thoughts straight, but I think he still has feelings for me and like my coworker said, he didn't want to break up with me, he just wanted to slow it down.  I just want to be able to communicate with him, but I do not want to call or e-mail or text and not get a response.  My friend thinks I should send that e-mail saying I understand his need for space, but I don't know what I should do.  I may see Z at work tomorrow and I am sure if I do, we will be flirting again like we were Thursday.  I guess how can I make him feel comfortable and confident without scaring him off-- but enough to take it slow and be with him again.  I know he wasn't a rebound because we were so happy and just always knew what eachother were thinking.  I think that's the most frustrating part now b/c I don't know what he's thinking.
Thank you so much!

Answer
Thanks for being patient!
  It's somewhat rare to see monotherapy (use of only one medication) in the treatment of bipolar disorder, particularly when the medication is classified as an atypical antipsychotic, such as risperdal.  However, that is an entirely separate issue, and one that I do not feel qualified to draw any conclusions on.  I would, however, recommend that he look into the available options that he has in seeing a different physician, preferrably one that specializes in the treatment of bipolar disorder.
 My first reaction to this guy's sudden change in 'gear', was that he may have seen his ex-fiancee (whether it was to get his ring back or what have you) and they ended up back in bed together, which made him feel guilty about where that would put you, in the big picture.  
 Of course, that may or may not be the case, and with all the different possible reasons behind his behavior, there's not enough time or space to go through all of them.
 ...But...
 If he started to act strange after talking with a co-worker, I'd bet that there was something mentioned in that conversation that had to do with you, which he wasn't thrilled about having heard it from someone else and not you.  Guys are generally pretty accepting when the person they're dating shares things from their past - relationship stuff or in general - but the qualifying statement that follows would be "as long as they hear it first hand from the person they're with".  
 From the things you told me about the women he's had relationships with, and how he presented the situation involving his grandfather's ex-wife - I feel that there is enough supporting evidence for me to say that the problems that this guy has aren't as much because he is bipolar as they are indicative of his having some serious issues he needs to deal with. His grandfather was being convicted for something he did that was serious enough to have him on trial!  I can't see why anyone, his ex-wife included, would be totally thrilled about that kind of situation, or willing to stick by someone who did who knows what - but they were arrested, put on trial, and convicted of it! People don't divorce because of one person's having bipolar disorder, they divorce because of behaviors, unresolved issues, and poor communication.  For example, he told you that he was always yelling and angry towards his ex-wife; she didn't leave him because he was bipolar, she didn't want to be abused.  I am also concerned with the fact that you admit that in your last relationship, you stuck around after that guy slashed his wrist & said "just joking" - that is a horrible thing for someone to do, & while it's not your fault, it sets a precedence in a relationship that essentially says you're willing to take mental abuse, and turn around after that & continue taking care of that person however they want you to.  It is my experience that there are guys out there, bipolar and non-bipolar, who will present their past as 'victims' of the women from their past in a way that brings out the natural instinct of care-taking that the majority of women have.  If what you've said is true, he's not experiencing changes in his moods, he's playing games for whatever reason.  His actions are purposefully working on pulling you in and then pushing away just enough to make you upset and so confused about the situation that when the next opportunity comes along, you chase him even more.  If you really believe that a relationship with this guy is something that you want, please consider doing something that will serve your interests first - wait.  Don't call, don't email, and don't send txt messages.  If he initiates contact first, it's ok to respond.  But, if you stop giving him the ego-boosts, and then he doesn't do anything at all - you'll know whether he's just into games, and if he is, you know that you're better than that and should move on.  I strongly support the idea of women being independent in regards to not needing a man to take care of everything for them; when properly balanced with being able to share with their partner when they have emotional needs and want their time/ear/compassion, independence is an important quality to have.