Expert: Jennifer - 5/13/2008

Question
I have always tried to further my spiritual life through meditation, and it has been an amazing comfort to me when I was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar.  I want to be able to meditate more deeply, but I always have a roadblock that I really feel is the medication.  I have gotten off as much as I can, but even the medication that I take now I can tell affects my focus and thinking.

I am on lamictal (300mg) and aivan(2mg) each day. I have tried and tried to get advice on how to meditate while on these medications and the ONLY response I ever get is that there is no need to be on medications and to get off them.  I have explained that I can't do that (believe me, I've tried) and no one will listen to me.

I am frustrated and isolated.  Is there anywhere out there when I can get info on bipolar and spirituality/medication from someone that understands this condition necessitates medication?

Or can I, in fact, eventually get off my meds?  I have been suicidal without them (so don't worry, I don't have my hopes up)but I do feel that my ind is affected by the meds (but I am in grad school, so I use my brain a lot more than most).


Answer
  I know that while you are probably as prepared to hear what would be considered "bad" news for your situation, it still isn't easy to deal with.  When I went to the first psychiatrist to accurately diagnose me, and he said I was bipolar - & would require daily medication(s) for the rest of my life - his choice of wording made me feel like the reasons for why I needed to start taking medications was so that I would be more tolerable for other people to deal with.  I was very fortunate that I was able to find an incredible doctor, who I went to see after a friend recommended her after being told by the first doctor that it was impossible for me to have the side effects that I said I was having because the medication "didn't cause those effects, and so it was impossible for them to occur".  Even so, it's taken years for a great doctor to change, adjust, and finally arrive at the ideal combination of medications and doseages that have given me the greatest level of stability that I can remember having in my entire life.
 Spirituality isn't held back because you're taking medication for a condition that is experienced by your physical being, nor does medication hold back your soul, or your mind.  While I do not know where to direct you as far as someone or someplace that will address your specific questions regarding spirituality without also putting you in the position of feeling like you must make a choice between continuing your medications, or having to accept that there'll be a limit on how much benefit you receive from your meditation experiences -- I do know that the only ceilings that are enough to hold any of us back, are the ones we create for ourselves because we keep hearing that we're "not supposed to be able to do that" with our condition.  If I'd continued to let myself believe that the best thing I could do for myself as far as setting goals -- like I'd been told was "just how it's going to have to be", I'd have never gone back to school, and I certainly wouldn't be in my 2nd year of law school.  Our minds aren't broken, they're just wired differently -- but that doesn't mean we're any less capable, or spiritual, or worth being loved.  I made more progress in half the time once I'd realised that it was being on medication that helped me to get where I have in my life.  You've made it to grad school, which most people haven't considered even if they have completed a 4-year degree, you should be obnoxiously proud of that whenever anyone's around to hear you tell them that -- and remember that medication is something that only treats the physical aspects of bipolar, balancing the brain's chemicals, not a person's thoughts or soul.