Bipolar Disorder/BP Disorder

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Expert: - 6/28/2008


Question
I have something wrong with me. I have had problems since a very young age, acting out in school (3d and 4th grade levels)and recall feelings of emptiness and depression at very young age (9 or 10). I was sexually abused at 12 y.o. and began using drugs. Drug problems have plagued my life ever since. Have had little success in controlling drug use. I am now 45 y.o., have been to prison multiple time because of drug involvement and the poor choices/ risk taking that has always cauterized my life. All these occurrences have been damaging in their own right psychologically. Was first hospitalized in psych ward at 14 because parents could not control me. I escaped. Been fighting authority ever since. I have no relationships left anymore with people. Feel angry / hostile/ full of rage much of the time/ cynical. By all accounts I am a complete and utter failure. No that is not correct. It is possible to be a failure and still be decent. I am just angry. I am mad. I am in good physical health and probably have another 30 years of life expectancy if not more and I cannot live it like this. I am an intelligent, caring human being not unlike other people waling around in the normal world but I am so alienated and my experience in the world has been so unpleasant that I don't know if I can get back to reality whatever that is. I do not feel depressed right now. I often get very wound up and frustrated trying to think my way out of my many problems ( financial/ social etc)and usually only succeed in thinking my way into a low mood. I have done much reading about BP disorder and mental illness trying to find out what is wrong with me. I have been diagnosed as depressive disorder or major affective disorder, dysthemia, cyclothemia, Bipolar. I have to find a solution soon. I do not  feel suicidal although suicide dose look like a potential solution to an otherwise hopeless situation. I have never been what I can identify as truly manic although I can relate to hypomanic symptoms. I have never been psychotic. I have been suicidal  depressed before. I also can relate to possible mixed states: wound up and angry and suicidal ideation all in one big mess. I have a spotty work and academic history as well as social history.
Much of this is due more to substance use (self medicating?)and not irresponsibility. I am off drugs now (legal and illegal) and am left with the smoking ruins of a life if you can call it that. I am not paranoid but seem to get little sympathy or understanding from my family or anyone for that matter. I lead a shadow existence. I have no financial resources and can only rely on myself. I have no close friends or family left. Prevailing attitude towars me seems to be that I am a drug addict and deserve all the just rewards of my behavior over my lifetime. I do not want to go to a shrink and tell them I am bipolar and they will say "you are bipolar". where do I begin to sort it all out. I consider myself a strong person as most people could not have stood the pain that I have inflicted on self and those around me. My life is being wasted one day at a time. I don't feel I have much time left. I am on my own here. Nobody to rely on or confide in. Should I go to the ER? Sitting on the nut ward being a good little patient sounds like a blast right now. Take your pill. Meal time. TV time. Arts and crafts. Give me a break. The drug roulette is BS. Try this oh it dose not work try this oh that dose not work here try this then.... Lithium, zolft, depakote, zyprex to name but a few. I am tired. Tired.  

Answer
I would like to try and locate some psychiatric service providers in your area, and determine what programs that you may have available to you that will cover the expenses involved.  Please let me know what city and state you live in, and I will also be giving an answer related to the question that you have sent me, as I like to be thorough in my answers -- basically - I need a little extra time and need the information I am requesting to look for additional help that may be available for you.

Bipolar Disorder

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Jennifer

Expertise

I am available to answer questions of a general nature about bipolar disorder, provide online resources that address bipolar disorder in a more in-depth manner and sources to serve as a starting point for those looking for substantial information on the illness from a healthcare professional approach. I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist, my background is based in personal experience and extensive reading in my own process of understanding my diagnosis. I can also take questions that deal with the social issues surrounding bipolar disorder such as relationships; coping for family, friends, and the patient; marriage, choosing to start a family and related. Answers to questions of a legal nature will provide general information but anyone with a serious legal problem should consult an attorney licensed to practice in their jurisdiction.

Experience

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II in 2000; as a SSI beneficiary, have experience and knowledge of the limitations and processes involved with the program; I understand the moods, the feelings, the worries, the doubts, and a lot more that there's not enough room to express - from the personal experiences of being bipolar. I have first-hand experience with the challenges of returning to college following hospitalizations and various combinations of medications that were tried before my doctor and I finally arrived at the most effective medication program for my treatment. My family and I have learned so much about each other in the process of dealing with the highs and lows that followed my diagnosis. I've had relationships with someone who also is bipolar and someone that is not - romantic relationships are no easier on either side! I feel that many of the ideas and beliefs that people have regarding bipolar disorder and those who have the condition promote the continuation of social stigmas associated with mental illness in general, and after learning from others with bipolar disorder, hope to guide others who may be trying to navigate the government health care system,& share information on other possible means of obtaining assistance with the cost of medications and/or mental health services and limited financial assistance programs for meeting basic living expenses for qualified individuals, dealing with problems from or with family & loved ones, co-occurring substance abuse problems, medications and side-effects (and when it feels like nothing will work, or why it's not helping the situation to ask whether or not a patient has taken their 'meds' when they seem hostile or moody to those around them).

Education/Credentials
I have a B.A. in Liberal Arts and will earn my J.D. upon completion of the Spring 2011 term after which I will be preparing to take the multi-state bar exam.

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