Expert: Jennifer - 6/28/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met this guy and for the first three months it was amazing.  We totally clicked.  He said that he had never felt like that for anyone, etc, etc.  I started to think oh, my gosh have I met the one.  Now it has been going on 6 months and for the last three months he has grown distant.  I asked him what happened but, he says he doesn't know.  He now says he is too busy and has all this stuff to do that I would not understand and can see things that I do not.  He says that he is single but, we never broke up nor got in any fights. He used to say I love you all the time but, now if I say I love you he says thank you as a response.  He keeps saying he is so busy but, is at home.  If I ask him questions he always says he does not know.  Now I am so confused about the man I met and am confused about what to believe and not.  Are these symptoms of bipolar disorder or does he maybe just not want to be with me?  He says he cares about me but, does not feel anything right now.  I love the man I met and wish things could work out but, do not know if I should just walk away or keep going around him even though it is hard to hear these things?  I do not even know what truly wants, I am so confused.

ANSWER: Well, first I should probably tell you that if you're looking for someone who will tell you 'all of the things that someone would want to hear' in this type of situation, you may want to skip my answer.  However, I feel that honesty is more important than popularity, and so I try to be as candid and straightforward in all my answers.

From the information that you shared with me, this guy seems unlikely to be bipolar, but he is most definitely a jerk who lacks the ability to tell a woman where he stands when it comes to his dating practices.  Though you may really really like the man that you met 6 months ago, that's not who he actually is -- the person that you're dealing with at this point is more than likely the real him.  The good part is that you don't have to waste your time on someone who obviously doesn't appreciate you for what you bring to the table (so to speak) and you shouldn't give him any more opportunities to play with your emotions.  If you feel like you need to tell him that you're not interested anymore, tell him in a way that is short, sweet, and to the point.  And remember that you have a lot to offer someone in a romantic relationship, so the someone you choose needs to be worthy of you.  

Good Luck, & smile more - people are more receptive to someone that doesn't look pissed off at the world most of the time =)



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: This guy actually is bipolar and was medically diagnosed a couple of years back.

Answer
Whether he was diagnosed or not, he's still not exactly exhibiting behavior that one should expect from any person that they're involved with.  One of the biggest issues that I've noticed people have when it comes to interacting on anything beyond the 'in passing' level, is understanding that the chemical imbalance does not excuse someone from treating others as they would want to be treated.  Everyone has their moments of selfishness and pettiness, but I certainly don't think that because I'm bipolar, I need to have everyone around me, hold me to a lower standard to compensate.  I run into people who are looking for the ok on letting their bipolar friend/spouse/partner/parent/child/etc take advantage of how much they're willing to do for them, and I run into those who are unable to be a little more receptive and emotionally available to the bipolar in their lives.  Everyone needs to have people around them at various points in time, and all of us should remember that mental illness does not excuse bad behavior, but bad behavior doesn't necessarily require completely isolating the person whose behavior was bad.