Expert: Libby Bonner - 6/30/2008

Question
I have been a dating a man for a little more than 2 months. He was diagnosed with bp disorder about 7-8 months ago, takes Depakote and sees his therapist monthly. He told me of his diagnosis on our third date. Given that he has accepted his diagnosis and sticks to his treatment, I decided to continue to date him. I have a sibling that has bp disorder, but he refuses treatment, so I only knew of this disorder from the point of view of it not being treated.
In the two months we've been together, there have been a couple of incidents of inappropriate over-reaction from him. At the very beginning of our relationship, he accused me of stealing an old watch that had been his grandfather's, which I most certainly did not (come to find out, he may have miscounted how many timepieces there were); he's thought he's told me things, but didn't and this has led to misunderstandings, to which he over-reacts rather immaturely (i.e., hanging up on me and shutting off his phone, storming out over a request to lower the volume of the t.v., etc.). Just this past week, he brought back all of my things that were at his house and collected all of his things from my house, but forgot to bring back my spare keys. Naturally I got them back. He had let himself into my house without my knowledge or permission while I wasn't home to collect his things/drop my stuff off. Then proceeds to call me while I'm work to tell me he thinks we should end the relationship. When I tried to explain to him these were inappropriate things to do and why, he just gets defensive and wants to know if I can "get over it" and can we "work through this".  His rationale was that if I had been forewarned before he got his things, he thought I'd be vindictive and ruin his possessions. Based on what, I asked. He had no answer, just that it was his paranoia that made him think like that, he knows I'm not that type of person. He apologized for his actions and admitted that he had been disrespectful and that what he had done was wrong.
So, I can only presume this has to be part of his disorder. My question is, is it possible to have a successful relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder and is actively trying to treat it? I come from a very dysfunctional family and have had relationships in the past that revolved around my partner and their needs, while neglecting me and mine. I have been in therapy and now recognize the pattern of losing myself in my partner's issues because I'm comfortable with being ignored. I no longer want that for myself, that's why I was in therapy. But being involved with a person with bp disorder makes me wonder if I'm slipping into my old patterns, or if I'm making too much of it and it's simply that we need to work on our communication.
Any insight would be appreciated. Just don't know if I should risk getting further involved only to have the rug pulled out from under me, like this past week. We do have a good relationship otherwise, and that's the only reason I'm conflicted.
Thank you.

Answer
Walk away from this [very new] relationship - not much is invested in it yet, and it's getting off to a bad start.

Stick with your mantra: I'm not going to get lost in a partner's issues, and be ignored.

From my experience and observations, I would say that it is very difficult to have a successful relationship w/ someone who is bipolar.
The relationship will not involve 2 people; it will involve the guy, the girl, and the Illness.  It's the third party in the relationship.

Pls do walk away.  You needn't say it's the illness.  You can simply say you like a different style of relating:  calmer; less drama.


And pls don't look at this as a challenge, something that you, and only you, can make work.  Just walk away.