Expert: Libby Bonner - 6/5/2008

Question
I don't know if she has a problem or not, but I am very suspicious.  When she gets mad (usually at me) she gets REALLY mad and goes to the extreme (want a divorce, I am a loser, etc.).  She often says she wishes she was dead in these episodes and one time grabbed a gun and put it to her head and I literally tackled her and held her down to stop her.  We recently returned from a very nice vacation and she went off on the plane ride home - vocally proclaiming why she won't have sex with me, saying how this was a horrible vacation, explitives and acting very haughty and above everyone else on the plane.  Is she just a spoiled b**ch or might there be some real psychosis that I should look into?  I'm frankly very tired of dealing with the insults and abuse and I am thinking about leaving a 15 year great (for the most part) marriage.  She actually bit my arm on this airplane episode and forced herself into my seat like an alpha dog or something.  I had no choice but to give way so we didn't both get kicked off the plane or arrested.  It was highly embarassing and demoralizing as everyone within 3 rows of us heard her insults at me and them (for being so dumb as to like Hawaii).  I don't know what to do.

Answer
Sounds like there might be mental illness present.  The problem will be getting her to an assessment w/ someone, perhaps.  How big a problem might depend on her own recall about these episodes, her explanation for them after things have quieted down.

Anytime the other person has some concern herself about behavior, it's easier to find a first step.

The only other obvious thing might be if these correlate w/ her periods.  If so, she may have extreme PMS.  In which case, she might be willing to make an appt, etc. w/ OB-G.  If you could go along, that would be good. Or, if you are known to that doc, s/he or the nurse might be willing to discuss this problem over the phone, w/ you.

Hard to get a resistant adult into treatment.....

Here are two books.  The book by Woolis, When someone you love has a mental illness, will be very helpful to you in de-fusing episodes and in many, many other ways.....it's really about communicating w/ and living w/ others w/ mental illness.  It could keep you afloat til a better plan comes along.  [It WILL make you feel less helpless.]

Also, this one:  author is Amador.  Title is I am not sick; I don't need help.  Offers some ploys that might work in nudging her to treatment.  ONLY get the most recent editionn.

The other most helpful thing to do immediately is to get w/ some other family members who have already solved some of your problems, and who are all in the same boat w/ you, and who will be very supportive as you begin to tackle things.  Find a local group at nami.org   If you are in a large enough area to have choices, choose a group that has a Family support group in addition to regular monthly meeting.  But get to a NAMI group, regardless.  Nami.org also discusses mental illnesses, as does mentalhealth.com.  I would be looking at bipolar disorder......unless she has a personality disorder and not a mental illness.  Whole other catergory....

I will be unavailale here from June 7 [?] til mid-month, so if you want to give me some more info, or ask more questions, do it soon!