Expert: Jennifer - 7/15/2008

Question
QUESTION: Thanks for your time.
My life has just  been turned upside down.  I have  been with my girl for over 6 yrs.  When I met her she had a son (2) named Mikey.  I was with her for about yrs. Mike had grown to know me as Dad.  I loved them both, we had a great relationship forever and then out of no where she says she wants to  be on her own after we had  been fighting for a week or so.  I come to find out that she was sleeping with the short cook at her work.  It's a  bald little fat guy!  Then I come to find out that she was doing powder drugs and to top it off she moved her and Mikey from my apt. to his apartment the next day.  I was traumatized.  She had no feelings at all for me.  I wasn't about to leave Mikey alone  with that, I love him, So after about a week of persistently calling she let me pick him up from the daycare, we hung out almost everyday since, we did everything together.  After about a year and a half of her living with this guy, me me have a couple dates he and there she calls me and says that she's so sorry, that she wants another chance and that if I  won't give it to her that she can't keep letting Mike come over. So I give her another chance with conditions that she can't work in a bar and she needs counseling.  It worked great, it was hard for me to deal with but she went to council got off the drugs after about a year she got pregnant we had a little guy named Hayden.  I was in heaven .  She always would  be happy and then depressed all the time.  She said if we got a house she'd  be happy.  Next last year we got a house, a really nice one.  She was a stay  at home mom and I sold steaks.  We got engaged She started getting stressed we had a couple fights about me having to work extra hrs. She got a job with her sister Sarah at applebees as a waitress I told her It wasn't a good idea she should do a flower shop (she loves flowers) or a hospital.  I just wasn't comfortable with it.  I thought that she would want to start going out with the  bar crew after work.   but things went fine for about 3 weeks and then she said that she was going out with her friend from work to the casino left and 6pm and promised she would call or come home at 9pm.  She told me not to call her friend.  11:30pm no call no show, I call her friend and her friend is at work and says they never had plans.  I start freaking out and call  becky's (my ex) sister Sarah ask her wants going on she doesn't know.  1:45am she finally pulls up, I sit her down and tell her how she made me feel being calm, she cried I cried.  Then the next week she would go to work and not come home until 3am 4am and even 530am her excuse was that she went over to a girls house and passed out and woke up and came home.  Then she started slammed me.  A couple of weeks ago she said that she wanted to go to her mom's house for a week or two, that she needed to find herself, that she has unanswered questions.  I had a  breakdown went to a councilor, she looked like she had no feelings like it was a different person.  She kept saying it's not a  big deal I'm only going for a week or two.  I said that's what all my friends girls said and they never came home, she says we are different.  So she moves to her moms ignores me pretty much like I'm just her kids dad.  I go out of town for the weekend to my mothers with the kids and give she some room.   I get home and she stops over and says that she hates her life she doesn't know what's wrong with her she can't get answers for any of her questions.  Then she says that she can't promise that she's coming home.  I was traumatized again.  I had a couple  bad days then she asked me if i want   to go see the movie Wall-e with her and the kids.  We went  she wouldn't sit  by me hold my hand, she hardly noticed me.  Then she asked me if i wanted to go to the Olympic tryouts, I did, she got there and after we left i was driving home and she saw a tear of mine drop, asked what was wrong, I said I'm still hurt she asked if she could come to my friends house with the kids have a couple drinks, I said yes we were there for around an hr, she was supposed to keep kids at moms that night, she gets up and says she needs to get a pack of cigs (we drove separately) Told me and Mikey (8) she would  be right  back.  She left and never came  back, my son Mikey doesn't understand he pissed his pants and we are just all hurt from her actions.  Also  becky has lost around 25 pounds in the last 3 weeks, to me it looks like drugs again she claims its not.  This last Monday I called her sister to tell her I thought  becky was on drugs her sister said it's not drugs it's another guy, I said what , she said It's our manager Todd at work.  I said what's she thinking.  Her sister said I don't know It's this fat dude at work and he's a freaking nerd.  I was traumatized for the  third time.  I was supposed to have the kids that day, she said she had an appointment  get nails done.  I called her and said you can keep the kids I'm packing up your things  because you slept with your manager. I hung up she called  back and said "why did you tell my family I was on drugs?"  Didn't even defend herself from sleeping around.  I told her I wasn't mentally available for my children and I would see them at the end of the week.  I did it for that reason and so that she would have to  be the one to look at them and see what she's doing to them.  And so that while I recoup myself I don't have to think of her sleeping with her another guy,  At night I drive down past her moms and her truck has  been there every night.  I don't know what else to do.  I told her that she needs to get evaluated, we have an appointment for her this Tue. I'm paying for it  but she doesn't want me to go.  I just want to get my family  back, it's like I'm dealing with a completely different person, I want my  becky  back, and to restablize our family.  She won't admit to sleeping around, she says she's not doing drugs, I don't know what to  believe.  All I know is that if this problem we are having is from a mental condition I don't want us to lose everything that we have together over something that neither of us could control.  I could use any help I can get.  Thanks for your time, in my time of  need


ANSWER: The only way to determine whether or not the cause of all of the problems you've told me about is due to your ex having a mental illness is to make an appointment for her to see a psychiatrist.  At this point, it is obvious that she needs to continue to see a counselor, whether she's bipolar or not; it's the only way that she will be able to work through the problems she has/had.  
  To be perfectly honest, I don't really see any evidence (based on what you've told me) that she has bipolar disorder.  However, I do believe that there has to be something that causes her to act the ways that she has over the time she's had a relationship with you.  I'd suggest that you approach her with the idea of her going to see a counselor alone (rather than as a couple) for a little while, and see what she says.  It couldn't hurt for her to try it, and who knows, it may bring the two of you to a point where your relationship has been made stronger and grant you both the ability to trust each other that hasn't been possible for quite a while.  
  If she doesn't feel that she should continue to see a counselor, as a couple or by herself, continues to play the back and forth game with your emotions and your life, I'd consider the possibility of making sure that your kid(s) - both of the boys consider you to be "dad" - will continue to have you as a father figure, and cut your losses with their mother.  Just because your relationship with her may end doesn't mean that theirs must end as well.  

Good luck and let me know if I can help you with anything else


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks a lot, I also should have said that prior to us as a couple in the first place she worked at a bar, and prior to us getting together she was with 2 guys at the bar she worked at , when me and her got together she was engaged to the second guy at her work.  While with me the first time that she messed around on me it was with another guy at her work.  1.5 yrs. later we worked it out she moved in again and then 4 yrs. later the same thing, another guy at her work.  What I don't get is why she needs to sleep with another guy to get away from the one that she's with, is she faltering just to later make it so she can't go back and just make a mistake so bad that she can't change her mind?    Also the 2 times that she has cheated on me it has been with weird guys.  The first on was about half a foot shorter than me, he was bald, fat and before she cheated on me we used to make fun of him.  The second guy at her work her manager 35 yrs. old, is bald, soft, has thick glasses and his face gets red when he's mad.  She used to make fun of him to me when she would come home from work.  I am 28 yrs. old not bragging but I look good, I've got a nice build, green eyes, dark hair, girls like me.  Is it maybe that she is punishing herself?

Answer
In a way, she may feel like she's not good enough for someone to really love and care for her (at least as far as "who she really is" in her own mind) A lot of people are "on the hunt" for someone/something better than what they already have; maybe your ex doesn't think she can live up to your expectations/idealized image you have of her.  
 If she keeps meeting these guys that she cheats with at her work, I'm starting to wonder whether or not they are abusing their position - threatening to fire her if she doesn't do what they tell her to - which is purely speculation on my part, but everything that you've mentioned seems to point towards some kind of abuse in her childhood, which she is eventually going to have to either deal with or go off the deep end.  I'm going to reiterate my earlier suggestion that she go to counseling on her own for a while, and see if it helps with resolving the situation.