Expert: Libby Bonner - 7/14/2008

Question
QUESTION: Thanks for your time.
My life has just  been turned upside down.  I have  been with my girl for over 6 yrs.  When I met her she had a son (2) named Mikey.  I was with her for about yrs. Mike had grown to know me as Dad.  I loved them both, we had a great relationship forever and then out of no where she says she wants to  be on her own after we had  been fighting for a week or so.  I come to find out that she was sleeping with the short cook at her work.  It's a  bald little fat guy!  Then I come to find out that she was doing powder drugs and to top it off she moved her and Mikey from my apt. to his apartment the next day.  I was traumatized.  She had no feelings at all for me.  I wasn't about to leave Mikey alone  with that, I love him, So after about a week of persistently calling she let me pick him up from the daycare, we hung out almost everyday since, we did everything together.  After about a year and a half of her living with this guy, me me have a couple dates he and there she calls me and says that she's so sorry, that she wants another chance and that if I  won't give it to her that she can't keep letting Mike come over. So I give her another chance with conditions that she can't work in a bar and she needs counseling.  It worked great, it was hard for me to deal with but she went to council got off the drugs after about a year she got pregnant we had a little guy named Hayden.  I was in heaven .  She always would  be happy and then depressed all the time.  She said if we got a house she'd  be happy.  Next last year we got a house, a really nice one.  She was a stay  at home mom and I sold steaks.  We got engaged She started getting stressed we had a couple fights about me having to work extra hrs. She got a job with her sister Sarah at applebees as a waitress I told her It wasn't a good idea she should do a flower shop (she loves flowers) or a hospital.  I just wasn't comfortable with it.  I thought that she would want to start going out with the  bar crew after work.   but things went fine for about 3 weeks and then she said that she was going out with her friend from work to the casino left and 6pm and promised she would call or come home at 9pm.  She told me not to call her friend.  11:30pm no call no show, I call her friend and her friend is at work and says they never had plans.  I start freaking out and call  becky's (my ex) sister Sarah ask her wants going on she doesn't know.  1:45am she finally pulls up, I sit her down and tell her how she made me feel being calm, she cried I cried.  Then the next week she would go to work and not come home until 3am 4am and even 530am her excuse was that she went over to a girls house and passed out and woke up and came home.  Then she started slammed me.  A couple of weeks ago she said that she wanted to go to her mom's house for a week or two, that she needed to find herself, that she has unanswered questions.  I had a  breakdown went to a councilor, she looked like she had no feelings like it was a different person.  She kept saying it's not a  big deal I'm only going for a week or two.  I said that's what all my friends girls said and they never came home, she says we are different.  So she moves to her moms ignores me pretty much like I'm just her kids dad.  I go out of town for the weekend to my mothers with the kids and give she some room.   I get home and she stops over and says that she hates her life she doesn't know what's wrong with her she can't get answers for any of her questions.  Then she says that she can't promise that she's coming home.  I was traumatized again.  I had a couple  bad days then she asked me if i want   to go see the movie Wall-e with her and the kids.  We went  she wouldn't sit  by me hold my hand, she hardly noticed me.  Then she asked me if i wanted to go to the Olympic tryouts, I did, she got there and after we left i was driving home and she saw a tear of mine drop, asked what was wrong, I said I'm still hurt she asked if she could come to my friends house with the kids have a couple drinks, I said yes we were there for around an hr, she was supposed to keep kids at moms that night, she gets up and says she needs to get a pack of cigs (we drove separately) Told me and Mikey (8) she would  be right  back.  She left and never came  back, my son Mikey doesn't understand he pissed his pants and we are just all hurt from her actions.  Also  becky has lost around 25 pounds in the last 3 weeks, to me it looks like drugs again she claims its not.  This last Monday I called her sister to tell her I thought  becky was on drugs her sister said it's not drugs it's another guy, I said what , she said It's our manager Todd at work.  I said what's she thinking.  Her sister said I don't know It's this fat dude at work and he's a freaking nerd.  I was traumatized for the  third time.  I was supposed to have the kids that day, she said she had an appointment  get nails done.  I called her and said you can keep the kids I'm packing up your things  because you slept with your manager. I hung up she called  back and said "why did you tell my family I was on drugs?"  Didn't even defend herself from sleeping around.  I told her I wasn't mentally available for my children and I would see them at the end of the week.  I did it for that reason and so that she would have to  be the one to look at them and see what she's doing to them.  And so that while I recoup myself I don't have to think of her sleeping with her another guy,  At night I drive down past her moms and her truck has  been there every night.  I don't know what else to do.  I told her that she needs to get evaluated, we have an appointment for her this Tue. I'm paying for it  but she doesn't want me to go.  I just want to get my family  back, it's like I'm dealing with a completely different person, I want my  becky  back, and to restablize our family.  She won't admit to sleeping around, she says she's not doing drugs, I don't know what to  believe.  All I know is that if this problem we are having is from a mental condition I don't want us to lose everything that we have together over something that neither of us could control.  I could use any help I can get.  Thanks for your time, in my time of  need.

ANSWER: I'm so sorry.  Awful for you, for the kids, probably for her as well.

I wonder w/ whom you have the Tues appt:  family doctor? psychologist? psychiatrist?  If it's any other specialty, see if you can move from that to either a psychologist or psychiatrist.

I'm not at all sure what, if any, mental diagnosis or diagnoses we might be looking at.  Could be anything.

I do think you've had the patience of a saint, but you are hanging in for good reasons:  you are a family guy who wants his family.  So hang in a little longer if Tues doesn't provide every answer.

Regardless of who you are seeing Tues, the things to mention, that you have told me, are: that you have set conditions in the past, which she has honored ["So I give her another chance with conditions that she can't work in a bar and she needs counseling.  It worked great, it was hard for me to deal with but she went to council got off the drugs"]; the depression ["she got pregnant we had a little guy named Hayden.  I was in heaven .  She always would  be happy and then depressed all the time"]; her confusion ["she needed to find herself, that she has unanswered questions...she hates her life she doesn't know what's wrong with her she can't get answers for any of her questions."]

Be sure to mention the weight loss; that would get anybody's attention.

I wonder what her mother thinks of all this?  Thinks Becky's mixed up, or blames you?  

Terriby sorry for your pain and all that you have been put through.  I hope Tuesday will be a good start towards solutions.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your help.  I have the problem now that I am going to pay $200 for her to see this "Nurse practitioner" on Tue. but she doesn't want me to go in with her.  I think this helps in a way, I think that she may open up more to the guy evaluating her if I'm not there she can tell him things that she did that she doesn't want to know and if she does want to fix things it would give her a good opportunity to start there.  Hopefully he will guide her in the right direction.  On the other hand I want to know whats going on, I have questions, the assistant their said that they will not disclose anything to me if I'm not in there.     My therapist is the one that told me she needed to see a nurse practitioner to get her evaluated.  Is that what we need or no?  To answer your question, her mother feels so bad for me, she has thanked me several times prior for me getting her off the drugs and taking her again the first time.  She says she loves me.  She doesn't really talk to becky though.  Her mom her sister and her dad all tell me that she is disgusting for what she is doing and don't understand.  Tonight my brother came here and mentioned that 2 yrs. ago when he went out to drink with her that they were outside a club wasted waiting on a cab and she started calling him Dan and tried to kiss him 2 different times.  The next day when he asked her about it we were eating at a restaurant I was in the restroom and she got all upset and told me she felt sick and took my car home in the middle of the meal.  I rode home with friends.  I think that she feels the need to get out, if she's depressed or we are having problems she either gets way to drunk or does some drug and I'm thinking that triggers whatever condition that she has and she makes bad decisions.  I am positive she cheated on me although she won't admit it.  When she came over b4 I found out that she messed around she said that she didn't want to take the time for me to trust her again, that her life is full of fuckups that she does, that she hates her life.  She told me that I should get someone better than her.  I really think she went out she went overboard with the alcohol or got into drugs again, it triggered something in her, she made a mistake.  She probably wants to comeback but feels angry for what she did and doesn't want to live with me with that hanging over her head, and that if she told me that I would never forgive her or that it would take to long, she may think that I deserve someone better, maybe it's a condition causing her to make bad decisions, she blames herself for what she did and she can't get back.
Thanks for your time and help if you can please reply by monday.

ANSWER: sorry, but I'm short of time, but only skimmed through.

She isn't living w/ you now, right?  IF the appt is w/ a psychiatriac nurse practitioner, legally able to also write Rx, she could keep the appt ONLY if someone to whom she has told her bad feeling to, goes w/ her. Or, she can, prior to the appt, [if w/ psych NP], she will sign a release of info to you and/or to her mother.

Sending her to anyone else, in any other way, won't work.  

You and her mom can maybe try to get on the same page, without her there, to decide:  who will be financially responsible for her, who will house her, what help does she need?

If she is at her mom's and behaving at her mom's,keeps a job,helps responsibly w/ her kids....that's it for now.

Something, tho, must change before she lives w/ you again.  And you maybe need a separation agreement to formalize responsibilities and rights w/ regards to the kids.

Write again and I will write at more length.

THIS IS ME, BACK AGAIN, LATER IN THE DAY:

You may have written all this, but could you summarize for me?

1.  The date [mo/yr] you met.

2.  The date you started living together.

3.  For each of the times you have been speparated [because of not getting along], pls list the date you separated, approximately], who wanted the separation, where either of you went during the separation, how long it lasted, who iniiated a return,and whether there were conditions or agreements attached to returning.  I do recall at least once when she wanted to children and you said she must get counciling, I think.

I would also like to know what kind of councilor recommeded the nurse practitioner [marriage counselor, minister, a pychologist, who?], how any time you saw him/her, whether one or both of you went, and what the councilor's general remarks were about the relationship.

LAST.   Maybe Mom's an enabler....I need to read this w/ plenty of time to think....and all that you wrote before.  It likely would help? to joing ranks w/ mom????

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: 1. The date that we met was March of 2001.
2. The date that we started living together was around 18 months after we met.  Sept. 15th 2002.
3.  Around April of 2004 We split up, she cheated on me while we were arguing and slept with a cook at her work, the same guy that her and I made fun of.  She was doing extacy with him and then after we were together for around 1.5 yrs. The next day she moved her and Mike right into this guys house.  She lived with him for around 1.5 years and then called me at work and initiated the return.  She moved in again after around 1 month.  Since then we have not seperated once since then so for around four years we have stayed together.  The second part of your question, she wanted the seperation she said she wasn't happy and she was moving to her moms house.  She looked dead inside just like she does now.  When she came home after living with that guy for 1.5 yrs. the agreement was that she couldn't go into the bar were that guy worked ever again, that she would get counciling and that she would get off drugs and never do this again.  You should also know that at the bar she worked at before I had met her she had already slept with 2 guys that worked their and one other customer their.  When I first kissed her and slept with her she was engaged to the night manager at her job(the second guy)  She did the same thing to him that she did to me.  Then she slept with the other guy at the bar when we split up.  That's 3 guys from her work.  And now this other manager from her work now.  I am going crazy over this girl.

Answer
Just caught that it was your therapist who suggested an eval.

She does need to be evaluated, but unless she signs a release of information for you or for her mom prior to the appt, no one will ever know what has occured there.

I have no idea how to help you, other than to keep seeing your therapist when things are bad.  I wouldn't have her back without her feeling better....it's too bad that her family gives her a hard time.  I see why they do, but if she has big emotional problems, it isn't helping thing.

I do wonder how she stays employed?  Pt-time?  Full?  Who watches the kids???

You need better/other help than I can give.  I do see her as being the cause of most of her problems...but most people w/ emotional or mental health problems do that, and it's a sign that she's not well.

You, are caring about her, can't fix it, so don't have her back without there being some clarification about what, really, is making her miserable, making her seem to misbehave....she herself may not want to do most of the 'bad' things she's doing.

Good luck.  I dunno.  Maybe keep the appt.