Expert: Libby Bonner - 7/5/2008

Question
QUESTION: My partner killed himself in April. He laughed and joked with me minutes before and told me if he died, not to cry, he loved us and was doing this for us..me and his 6 week old baby...then 5 minutes later he drove into a building....he was almost jubilent. I didnt realise what he was planning cause he was laughing and happy and loving us.....I think he felt he was finally ridding us and himself of his burdens...which he never talked about..except to say ' I am sick in the head' and I thought he was joking and I would say, so am I!!!

He was never diagnosed but years of planning led to this exit...he had made comments like 'who will mind me if im paralised' or 'some day you will never see me again', or 'what if my body doesnt work, then you will need another man to satisfy you'....I always cast these comments aside and loved him and hugged him told him to stop talking stupidness....however, his traits were as follows....:
-huge difficulty interacting with others
-inability to problem solve
-inability to finish a job to the end
-anger
-verbal violence which he once told me to ignore, that he never meant it
-bullying
-obsession with things being they way he wanted it (little things like not speaking in the morning until teeth washed...even on the phone!!)
-low self esteem
-serious trust issues
-workaholic...non stop for days...
-high sex drive (never a problem!!)
-he found fault with everyone else and never took responsibility for his actions....but at the same time, a gorgeous and loving person who was as sweet as pie to everyone on the outside and then someone totally different inside the house....he also, I have learnt since his death, told people things that were not consistent with what he told me....he made things look alot worse than they did...he often left the house in a rage with his stuff over a minor issue (usually I was left trying to figure out what the hell was going on..like a mad man just took over his mind) and yet when he came round, it was my fault....everything was someone elses fault....
-he was often irrational
-his logic made no sense..until he explained it!!!

Please tell me if you can diagnose this....I need to know what was wrong with him both for peace of mind and also for our daughters health...


ANSWER: Answers to these could change my response: his employment history; how old you each would be now; how long you knew him before living together, if you did [see paragraph near end: "I dont' know..."]; how long after that...???  Well, also, what others thought or said about him being "sick in the head."

I am so very sorry.  Yours is one of the saddest stories that I have heard.  Just unimaginable.

Using only the info given, it would seem that he was probably bipolar.  (This diagnosis used to be called manic-depression.)

Had he NOT made many allusions like these - " 'who will mind me if im paralised' or 'some day you will never see me again', or 'what if my body doesnt work,then you will need another man to satisfy you' " - I would have said that, at the time of his death, he was displaying manic grandiosity, and held the genuine belief that the building wall would yield like paper and he would go flying through to ... some harmless or comic next event.

However, the allusions cast a different light, and suggest that he was obsessed by thoughts of death, and of a very particular kind of death/suicide....that he might survive his suicide attempt and thereafter live on in your care.

So.  What to think?  Even though bipolars do cycle between lows and highs, sometimes rather quickly, it doesn't seem plausable to me that he could share an elated manic moment with you, and then, minutes later, plunge to his lowest low, his obsession w/ death.

I am not a doctor, so bear that in mind as I conclude:  that he was without doubt psychotic in those last day/s, hour/s, minute/s of his life, such that the high-low scrambled together and simply swept him away.

I don't know if that view hurts or helps, nor this further thought:  I have the sense that you perhaps did not live together, or that you  didn't see him daily?????  In which case, perhaps others saw this juggernaught speeding toward a bad end, while you saw a somewhat less alarming picture, such that only you, but not they, were completely aghast and unbelieving??

You have surely had one of the the most terrible experiences that one could have, and I hope w/ all my heart that nothing I have written  has given your poor heart added pain.

Pls write again if you wish.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks for that...don't be afraid to hurt my feelings..I am already numb! I will try to answer your questions to claify...:
You asked for ages, I am 35 he was 37.
His work was was pretty stable but he was literally continuously planning changes...I mean it was an obsession to have a better lifestyle and a change of job...morning noon and night he was planning.....and his plans became my business to solve caue i was desperate just for things to level out to a calm...they never did....

we did live together for 3 years but often when he was in a 'mood' where we would argue and he would blame me for everything, he would take off to his mothers...I have never in my life experienced such confusion as I did with these disagreements because his logic never made sense...

You mention something I was thrilled you picked up on...'juggernaught speeding'...I saw it loud and clear for a few weeks and I even asked a work mate of his to talk to him..he was suddenly working all the hours possible...to the expent that I am the new baby had to be put on the back burner...when he had one thing on his mind, everything else suffered....I actually told his friend he would work himself to death....I saw it coming but I didnt see it as anything other than him doing what he did....I thought it would pass....nd his exctatic behavious that night, I believe was fueled by alcohol (which he apparently was drinking alot of over those weeks...I didnt see it as he was at work while drinking... and I guess adrenalin....
but again, if you could give me clarity of your interpretation it would help...are these spmpyoms listed common to bi polar sufferers?.....
thanks.

Answer
"are these spmpyoms listed common to bi polar sufferers?....."

Absolutely, including self-medicating with alcohol or drugs.  see mentalhealth.com

Here is my view of things now.  I suspect he was hypo-manic for much or all of his adolescent/adult life.  This is quite a jolly way to be - brings you friends, and happiness, and energy...and it's not unlike the gregariousness that many people have normally.  And so I imagine that's why he didn't come to medical attention - ever?

I do think, apart from his bipolar disorder, that he may have had a separate diagnosis, obsessive-compulsive disorder, OCD, and that his obsession was death/dying.  [You can have OCD w/ only obsessions, no compulsions.]  Manic bipolars certainly do kill themselves, on purpose while in a depressed episode, or accidentally while manic [imagining they can fly from the top of a high building, or drive a car harmlessly through a wall.]

But what I am guessing is this.  [And I have no idea if his obsession was present only while manic, or also when hypo-manic.]  And I tie this to his allusions to a failed suicide, that would leave him alive, with you.  Being manic and death-obsessed surely was nearly intolerable - it probably felt awful and, finally, unsupportable.

So I think that this awful maelstrom of feelings finally peaked, but that he still had in mind a failed suicide, perhaps, returning to you in a physically and, more importantly, a somewhat "tethered," moderated emotional state - w/ you, but without the awful mental nightmares.

This feels right to me, and I would welcome your comments.  I am, meanwhile, going to check medical/psych journals to see if the two diagnoses, bipolar and OCD, ever co-occur.  If they do not, psychiatrists need to know about this, so they can watch for it.

So - at any future time that this would be acceptable to you, if ever, perhaps you would want to send me some contact info so that I could put you together w/ a psychitrist who could look into it more thoughtfully and expertly than I am able, and then write about it in a professional journal.  

I hope the future holds healing for you, and a good path for you and your baby.