Expert: Jennifer - 8/5/2008

Question
QUESTION: mi boyfriend and i have been going out for over a year now. we think there is a great chance that he is bipolar. he has extreme mood swings,extremely irritable and starting to get progressively more violent. he refuses to go to a doctor because he doesnt want to "waste his money" and he doesnt want his family to find out(fearing disappointment).we've talked about going to doctors several times and sometimes he'll agree but then the next mood swing komes and that idea goes out the window. can you help me find a way to convince him he needs this more than ever? i've tried telling his mom but nothing resulted from that. i love him to death but i dont know how much more i can handle, but i kant just leave him alone with this. help.

ANSWER: First and foremost, there is an issue that you will want to deal with in order to make your boyfriend a lot more likely to be receptive to the idea of going to the doctor to be given an assessment/diagnosis topic in the future.  You decided to go and try to talk to his mother about the situation, despite knowing that he didn't want them to know, and even if he hasn't said anything about that incident (yet) that doesn't mean that he doesn't still feel like you betrayed his confidence by going and doing the very thing that he didn't want to do in the first place (inform his family).  You should probably sit down with him sometime soon, tell him that you know that talking to his mom was a bad idea and that you apologize for not stopping at that time to think things through more, because if you had you wouldn't have gone ahead and done it.  The way that men tend to want conversations about something going on in their relationship to be approached by the woman in their life is vastly different from the female tendency towards having their man agree with whatever their opinion is.  Most women don't want to hear the guy say anything other than that they agree with whatever she is saying.  This is why it's a lot more likely that an apology to your guy will be better received if you limit the conversation to the basic apology, and skip the addition of an explanation unless he specifically asks for one.
 It is truly important that you do what needs to be done (at this point the only thing I can say needs to happen is the apology, but there may be some other issues that will be included as well, and I'll get to that a little further in) so that you've got the best tactical advantage in the situation before going into any dr-related conversations.  If he doesn't think he can trust you to not do something he's said he doesn't want to have happen, he probably will be unreceptive to even listening to what you may have to say about the subject.  If you're not prepared to have such a conversation but decide to march right in and start one anyway, it's basically the equivalent to going to war and fighting the way they did during the revolutionary or civil war (everyone got into nice uniform lines so that they could start firing at the nice neat line of enemy soldiers that were across from them.  I can't figure out why they would make an army such an easy target, especially with how high the cost in human lives was.)  
  When the topic of going to a psychiatrist to be assessed and if appropriate, diagnosed and treated for the condition that is involved - who brings it up into discussion?  When you say that he's starting to display an increasing level of violence in his behaviors, what exactly is he doing?  In the event that he has only been agreeing about needing to see a doctor and to get help because he believes that it's the fastest and easiest way for a fight to end, especially if he's gotten to the point where he just crossed the line into physically threatening or harming you and then tries to do something that will 'counteract' the violent action by making excuses and hoping to elicit a sympathetic response by admitting how he knows that there's something wrong with him and he needs to go to a doctor to get help..that's a clear sign that no matter what he may say or what you may try to convince yourself that makes it necessary for you to stick around -- the relationship isn't going in a direction that you should allow yourself to follow.  It's difficult to really help you come up with a strategy for having a discussion that is beneficial to the relationship and establishes a respectful balance in the overall communication level without knowing exactly what is happening and what kinds of things he's saying/doing/feeling that cause you guys to think he may be bipolar as well as the details of any discussions that are about the problem that the doctor would be dealing with.  I'd be more than happy to assist you further as long as  you can provide me with more extensive information to work with.

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QUESTION: well sometimes he'll just randomly say..theres something wrong with me i need a doctor.but, he rarely ever agrees to it wen i ask him about it. he has just been alot more irritable and yells alot more and gets mad over very little things. he can be in a great mood one min. then all of a sudden he has a major mood swing and will be mad the rest of the nite.  he gets depressed and will stay that way for awhile then  randomly be fine again. thank you for ur time and effort!

Answer
What seems to be happening here is more like he's looking for ways to get your sympathy and attention so that the focus will be completely on him, though he really doesn't intend or believe that he is in need of a doctor's help.  Or, he may be concerned about some aspect of his overall health, but is too afraid of what he may find out if he were to go to a doctor at some point soon.  It is difficult to really say what is going on with him, since it could be any of a number of things.  If his behaviors, moods, or how he talks to you & other people start to become a problem for you in the relationship, then you'll need to make the decision of whether you will make the effort to tell him that you need him to follow through and get himself in to see a doctor for things between you two to
continue, or whether you should simply move on.  The only person that you can change in any way shape or form, is you.  However, you are also responsible for choosing the situations, people, and where you draw your boundaries that you will allow in your life.  

Good luck, and let me know if I can help you with anything else