Expert: Jennifer - 9/29/2008

Question
OK, I have read several of questions similar to the one that I am writing about. I will have to say that I am relieved that this is not so uncommon. I work with someone that says that he has a friend that is 26 and a virgin. I think this is mostly due to our society and how we are being self hypnotized from, models in magazines, TV and movies. Not saying that there is anything wrong with that, but most people can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. After all most of the models are done in photo shop.

Back to me, yes I am 29 male and a virgin. I have never been kissed or on a date. I am an only child and I am VERY independent. My family was very religious and sex was something that was never talked about. I wasn't the most popular kid in school and was picked on lots of times, but that was 10 years ago and things have drastically changed. Because of that I strived to work hard and make something of myself. The down side is that I never dated. My job used to require me to do lots of travel to places around the world but I have put my foot down so that I can stay local. I don't want to be one of them always away and married to my job.

I did have a private problem with drinking 5 years ago but have stopped on my own, I just drink socially now. I deal with my stress with diet and exercise every day this helped with my insomnia somewhat. Most people think I'm nuts for eating the way I do and for having a gym in my house but they don't know that I need it just so I can deal with stress. Basically any problem I had I have dealt with on my own without anybody at my side.

Now that I have bought my first house at 29 my feelings have amplified. I know that I have a major self image problem but this was mostly because of High School. I just recently posted an image of myself on some web site called Hot or Not. I found that after 1500 votes I was a 8.3 so I guess I’m not that bad looking.

Basically I find it hard to tell anybody about my problem. Know one knows that I am a virgin, I just lie about it. It hurts too much to tell anybody. I am trying to change myself just like all the other times but this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done, even over getting a degree and a much bigger job. I’m currently trying the online dating thing, but most of these web sites are rip offs. I am trying to get out more and did go out with some people but they had a female that I didn't know and my hart would race and I would start to tremble and I couldn't control it. Kind of weird considering the business I’m in, if its business I am usually calmer but if its not I can't control my feelings, its even making it harder for me to concentrate. I’m not sure if I should tell anyone about this or just get some psychological help.

Answer
If it's not something that you're comfortable with, I don't see any reason why you would need to discuss the fact that you're a virgin with anyone - if the general subject area is brought up in conversation, it's perfectly acceptable to politely decline to talk about such personal details of your life.  Only the completely crass or the totally clueless would try to push you to say more after such an answer.
 From what you've said about yourself, it seems like you have a lot to offer in the context of a committed relationship.  What needs to come before that stage is to learn to talk to women in all kinds of settings, with the understanding that it's no different regardless of where in particular you happen to be at the time.  Talking to women isn't something that should make you nervous, and if it's easier to start when you're at least given work-related topics to focus on - then do it!  And if you haven't had a female friend already, that's a good way to begin to figure out how to be at ease in the company of women (whether they're attractive or not your 'type'), while observing what puts women at ease in different situations as well.
 If you don't feel like any of this is something that you're ready to get started on by yourself, it could be helpful to see a counselor/therapist/psychologist about things, to have someone to put things in perspective and direct you in ways that will be able to get you headed down the right path to accomplish what your goal is for the 'big picture'.  
 One last thing...being a virgin regardless of your age shouldn't be something you're embarrassed about.  In fact, whomever you're supposed to be with isn't going to mind that you're a virgin, though it'll be impressive if you can talk to her like you've always known her from the first date.  Good luck!