Expert: Jennifer - 9/26/2008

Question
QUESTION: Dear Jennifer:

I am a 50 year old guy and this April I met a woman online (Myspace,that is), who later revealed she has bipolar.As it came to light,she was on Efexxor for 13 years but this med didn't help her anymore,so her psychiatrist is trying to find the right meds for her.She also had a therapist whom she visited on a regular basis.Well,I became attracted to her,she seemed as a really good person,and we had LOTS in common,and so the end of June we became sexually involved.At first,she called us "friends with benefits" which,to be honest with you, I did not like..But I felt the chemistry with her,I told her that I have feelings for her.The answer was that she likes me too,but not in love with me.Friends first,etc.Then,the first week of August, she "announced" that from now on we are boyfriend-girlfriend,and she told me that I probably knew that it's coming..Then,3 weeks later,she told me that she wants to go back to be only friends again,minus the sex.Her reason was to be in physical pain,(she also had  many other surgeries,including her back,stomach,etc.)can't keep up with me,etc.etc.She claimed that she doesn't want the responsibilty which comes with having a relationship,but she wants the friendship only.I told her that I don't think this is going to happen after all what happened between the two of us....especially that she claimed she enjoyed having sex with me,called me "superman",etc.Then later she criticized my penile implants that they were "hurting"her,etc.,which I was schocked to hear since she was a multiple-orgasmic person,and seemed to greatly enjoy the long sexual sessions with me..So she told me that she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore.She gave me a "choice": if I can handle the friendship only with her,we can do that,if I can not,then "get out"..I felt that she was extremely rude to me,(as many times before),I became upset and told her that this is going to be her loss,I am out of here.I know she is confused,she said this many times before,like "I don't know what I want"...I tried to date after the break-up,but I just can't feel the chemistry with others.I think of her.We talked since our final argument,she even sent me a card telling me that I make her smile,and drew a heart for me...Later she claimed that she was sorry that she sent it to me.I miss her and I have a feeling that she kind of misses me,too.I wonder if I should  deal with her illness and  wonder if I should keep continue with her as only a "friend"....??? Of course,after the arguments,she would probably reject my attempt to approach her anyway because I did not accept her "terms"!I have no idea,what would be the best for her and me at this point? Thank you for your time.Sincerely, Robert


ANSWER: I'm going to assume that the woman in question is roughly around the same age group (read: between 38 and 55) and if I had to guess, I'd say that she's either been divorced 1-2x or never married.  What seems to be the main theme to this woman's behavior is that everything she decides on changes almost as frequently as one would change clothes.  I would honestly (from where I see things) support her when it comes to 'not wanting the responsibilities that come with having a relationship', because it's obvious that she's not in a position in her life to be capable of having a healthy adult relationship.  Whether that's because she's having to go through the 'trial and error' process of finding another medication or due to some other reason, I can't say - there's just not enough information or evidence that would even begin to be adequate for determining what the specific cause is.  
  If there were problems and concerns that were important enough for you to part ways in the first 'relationship' that you had with this woman, it's very unlikely that those things have simply gone away.  Rather than going down the same road because you still have feelings for her, which will almost certainly lead to more mind games and hurt feelings, remember the good times to look back upon with a positive view  but keep walking forward and you'll find that chemistry and passion you're after (and perhaps the respect/compassion/consideration/love that you didn't have with the last one).  Relationships are a lot of work, and you should never get into such a situation with a person who isn't willing to do their part, for whatever reason they may have for an excuse.

Good luck, let me know if I can help you with anything else.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Jennifer:
I am very thankful for your message and yes,I am going to take your advice.I will rate your answer very high (excellent,that is) in a separate way.I'm sorry if I was not able to give you more details,but yes,she is 44 years old and NEVER married,no children.You were right about her changes,mood swings,this, I guess comes with her condition.(Bipolar disorder.)It is very tragic that someone has to live life like this,but I guess,her destiny is to live alone for the rest of her life,because I highly doubt that ANY man in his RIGHT mind would be able to handle such a "rollercoaster ride." Luckily she admitted to me that she doesn't want to take the responsibilty to have a relationship,and I can only be grateful for her confession saving me from a lot of trouble in the future!Yes,I am going to remember the good times with her and not her rudeness and disrespect toward me.I will keep trying to date until I will find someone compatable.Again,it was a pleasure to read your message and I will happily follow your suggestion:keep walking forward,because that's the only way left for me unless I want to be "abused" and taken for "the ride of my life"!! Sincerely, Robert

Answer
Yes, it's true that without medication, a person who is bipolar can be quite a handful.  As a matter of principle, however, I must point out that with adequate medication management therapy, we can be quite enjoyable and interesting individuals - who don't drive everyone crazy or refuse to commit to anything.  Abusive people can come from all sorts of situations, but not all bipolars are abusive. Even though you are moving on, you can still wish her well and hope that she will be able to find medication that will work for her, because no one should live out the rest of their lives alone - that's a long time for someone who's only 44 years old. There's a whole world full of people out there, and I still think that there's someone for everyone, it's just a matter of being ready for that person when they get there.