Expert: Libby Bonner - 9/16/2008

Question
Earlier this Summer, my wife of 17 years had an affair. It had all the textbook earmarks of an "emotional affair". We had all the signatue distractions. I work days, she works nights. Problems withour son. An ever growing kitchen remodeling project. Not enough face to face time, and no time to talk about us. We had become emotionally detatched. She began by complaining about me to a co-worker and it quickly escalated into a physical relationship. Long story short: She ended the relationship. We went to marriage counselling, read some books and articles, got educated and got better. Our relationship has never been better in spite of what happened.
But now due to the increased communication, I am learning many things about her that were never shared before. Plus I am noticing things and events in our past that are beginning to seem related.
 My wife has always been a "moody" person. Her rapid and sometimes unexplainable swings were one of the major factors in my becoming emotionally detatched- I simply could not keep up with her. There were long periods of our marriage where she had no sexual desire. Much of this we have recently decided may have been due in part to hormonal issues with birth control.She has always been an active person, with only the occasional down day here and there.
But lately, she has been almost superhuman. She gets home from work at midnight, but she will get up just after I leave for work in the morning. Before she leaves for her job at 2:oo in the afternoon it is not uncommon for her to have painted a couple of rooms, cleaned house, done laundry , baked something, prepared a dinner for me and my son, and worked on various other projects throughout the house. She describes her thoughts as being "like a ping pong ball in her head". We can be talking about something, and suddenly something completely un-related will come out of her mouth. During sex she will suddenly think of things on her to-do list. As to sex: We are having sex almost daily. And it is very prominent in her mind when we are not.
When we talk about the affair, she has been very candid and forthcoming. But some of her recollections are oddly fuzzy. She describes it as feeling like she was a completely different person. And, although she feels great remorse now, she can't seem to remember her emotional conflicts when the affair was taking place.
There is obviously too much information to put into such a small space. I am not concerned that my wife will have another affair. The first one seems so out of chacter for her. And counselling has had a terrific positive impact on us. But my worry is that there may be something else here to concerned about. Are there enough indicators here to ask the difficult question? I have had my own emotional issues to deal with in all of this and I'm not sure if perhaps I am just the traumatized husband looking for complicated explanations for simple things. However, if my wife is suffering from something that needs treatment, I feel obligated to do something; although I am not sure what the first step of that something should be, or how and if I should breach that subject with my wife? Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
A PS to that below:  to get into a psych ward/unit today, one must be "a danger to self or others."  Your wife could become very much a danger to herself if she is not eating, not sleeping, and using thousands of calories a day.   ---  Re getting her cooperation in getting medical help is that 1] she feels perfectly normal, except maybe for the pingpong thoughts, and 2] everyone LIKES being hypomanic  - who wouldn't?!? and they very much don't want it stopped.
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I've thought about your email all day.  You've managed to offer much useful info, but I am nearly as confused as you are.

You mention moody, and the unexplainable swings that came too fast for you...but then report only occasional down days.  The swings were maybe between angry and happy????  Depression is not always a matter of taking to one's bed beset by negative thoughts.  There is angry/irritable depression....could that have been the case here?

The no sex for long periods.  Maybe hormones, since 'regular' depression doesn't seem to account for it.  Not sure.

I'm wondering about her work - how long could she get by w/ frenetic activity at work?  Maybe a long time, depending, but screw-ups should enter the picture sooner or later....   Anyway, see whether/how work supports or does't support your idea.  -- And realize that her job might be at risk.

I wonder if her appetite has decreased -- too busy to eat.  Do you know how much sleep she is getting - maybe as few as 4-5 hrs?  Those would be typical.

I wish I knew.

The most telling thing that you wrote, diagnostically, was "We can be talking about something, and suddenly something completely un-related will come out of her mouth."  That, and the daily sex and the preoccupation it.

How to get her to a doc?  Oh boy.  If you both see the same family doc, would the doc be a help in proposing a reason for her to come for an appt?  You're going to hit brick walls, re privacy, that only exist when mental illness is the issue....but I'm hoping some doc will start you on the path.  If she has her own doc, or maybe uses her OB/Gyn as a family doc - many women do - I would still try a call to any doc's nurse and see where you can go w/ it.

Alternatively, can you think of a non-threatening reason to return to the counselor you saw before?  Sounds like s/he was a good one.  It might be easier w/ that person, than w/ a doc, to prime the pump w/ a call about your concern......and perhaps the counselor could suggest a late follow-up w/ his successful counselees????

Are we talking about lying and subterfuge here?  Yes.  Anything that works.   There are no critical problems now, but if she if hypomanic now and untreated, there is no reason for it not to progress to mania.....whether WHEEEEE happy mania or violent mania one doesn't know.  BUT, and I am only being realistic here, anyone - ANYONE - can diagnose mania, and it's easy to get them admitted to a hosp IF you can bodily get them TO a hosp....which is where 911 might come in.

Be prepared for anything.   Your next step, after me, is to go to nami.org to learn more about mental illness and to see if there is a NAMI affiliate near you, ideally one that has, besides speakers, a support group for families.  Go, unburden, be wholly understood by all who are there, and get good advice from been-there, done-that people who care about you.

Pls write again if I've been unclear, or things change, or for any reason.