Expert: Libby Bonner - 9/22/2008

Question
My boyfriend was taking seroquel and lamactil for quite some time and when i met him he was on and off...because he would forget to take them or just not take them cause they made him such a zombie...with that in mind, I was foolish enough to suggest to him to not take them at all because I liked him better without the meds.  Now....I am suffering the consequences of that decision....several months later after many subtle hints...of him reminiscing about his mania past...and wanting to be there again...he's found an old friend that he used to do drugs with, a woman...via email only so far and plans on going to see her...she's in California and we're in Florida..and has since left me with the snap of a finger and is gravitating toward her...I'm worried about his bipolar taking a mania effect that he pretty much warned me about and I don't know what to do other than to tell his family about the fact that he's not on his meds and just wait...I am so addicted to him that it is taking over my life...he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm not willing to let go that easy! I've been studying about bipolar for a long time and he is #2....I'm at my wits end....wishing I hadn't been so needy and clingy and controlling that I pushed him over the edge!  I am really blaming myself...and I know I shouldn't but I don't know what else to think!  He might just have to live through this to get out of it!  He was so much more fun with out the meds and his libido was so much better...but now that is water under the bridge...I knew what i was getting myself into and now here are the consequences...I shouldn't be surprised...visions of grandeur...that's what I think he suffers from...I was in denial about the whole thing...but I fell in love with him and his brilliance and it's a hard thing to get over!  Any words of wisdom regarding the bipolar symptoms and what to do at this point...???

Answer
He's still there? ["via eamil so far"] or he is gone [" and has since left me.]  Left you virtually or actually? - a crucial point.

Doubt that needy/clingy did it - you sound more together than that - and certainly your controlling didn't put him where - "his mania  past" - he has been "wanting to be" again.

And/but not willing to let him go - he IS still there?  He's the best thing that ever happened to you????  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  Hypomania, and all that brilliance and excitement and the sex ..... you bet!!  Nothing better.  But it doesn't stay that way....YOU find him so very much less interesting when he is stable and medicated....the ONLY way it is safe to be together w/ a bipolar w/ past mania/s.  I.e., you only really want him when he is, literally, sick and, unfortunately, getting sicker.

I guess he and the terrific sex are still there?  Nevertheless, if you want to be the decent person you seem to be, you know what you MUST do.  MUST.  For starters, tell the PARENTS, since they are the ones who will have to be chasing him, bailing him out, finding him wherever he may end up, and trying to wrestle him back into a hospital.

Make it a little easier on yourself:  "He was wanting to go off meds and I didn't realize then how wrong it would be for him to stop and I didn't make enough effort to help him stay on them, and now etc."  Be sure they have his email address.  Also, nami.org has some stuff on finding people who have taken off for parts unknown.

You can hope he literally "will live through this", no police shootings, etc.  But he will NOT, as you imply, sort of "grow out of it" meaning, I believe, go back into a more stable state w/o meds.  He is now well on his way to full-blown mania.  [Wait.  Just re-read: he and parents are in FL, yes?  This is better.]  

You could be in danger soon.  You must keep car keys and some money hidden outside; you must be prepared to run; you must be prepared to call 911.

If this escalates really fast:  do not be with him, if he is acting crazy or violent, in any room that does not offer BOTH of you an escape route.  Neither of you should be in the corner of a room w/ only one door.  Either of you may feel like running, may need to run.

And DON'T ARGUE w/ anything, if he violent.  Be docile.

Doing w/o the sex will be tough. But it might be dangerous to try to break up now.  YOu are there, and the best judge of that.  And you CANNOT break up, go back, break up, go back, etc.

Your best and safest bet/s is/are: tell the parents and meanwhile ENCOURAGE THE CALIFORNIA VENTURE AND LET HIM GET ON HIS WAY.  It is far too late to try to re-introduce the idea of meds.

Do first, for yourself and for parents, see whether FL permits "assisted outpatient treatment."  I believe they do - see psychlaws.org [.com?] to find out.  I think the parents would have to get guardianship, or -- not sure.  They, or you, should check w/ an atty, or w/ an the court clerk.    Nami.org has a list of some attys, mostly dealing w/ mental health disability, but probably acquainted as well w/ other aspects of MH law.  Or email the state NAMI office [there is contact info at nami.org] for a fuller list.

Stop blaming yourself - it's done.  Get on w/ what needs doing TODAY; TELL THE PARENTS.  They likely already know the ropes.

Get some counseling if you need to, to get your Self back, or even grief counseling - I could have used some after my wonder-guy exploded.