Expert: Libby Bonner - 9/7/2008

Question
Dear Libby:

I am a 50 year old guy and 5 months ago I met a woman who later revealed she has bipolar.I became attracted to her,we had LOTS in common,and about 2 months ago we became intimate.She called it"friends with benefits" which I did not like,and she was pretty much a bossy type of person.But I felt the chemistry with her,I told her that I have feelings for her.The answer was that she likes me but not in love with me.Friends first,etc.Then she announced that from now on we are boyfriend-girlfriend...3 weeks later,she told me that she wants to go back to be friends again,minus the sex.Her excuse was to be in physical pain,can't keep up with me,etc.etc.She claimed that she doesn't want the responsibilty which comes with having a relationship,but she wants the friendship only.I told her that I don't think this is going to happen after all what happened between the two of us....especially that she claimed she enjoyed having sex with me,called me superman,etc.I know she is confused,she said this many times before,like "I don't know what I want"...I tried to date after the break-up,but I just can't feel the chemistry with others.I think of her.We talked since our final argument,she even sent me a card telling me that I make her smile,and drew a heart for me...I miss her and I know she misses me,too.Right now she is out of state on a vacation.I want to deal with her illness and  wonder if I should keep continue with her as only a "friend"....??? I have no idea,what would be the best for her and me at this point? Thank you for your time.Sincerely, Robert

Answer
PS - Do let me clarify "What would be best for her?", below.  I meant: It likely doesn't matter TO HER.  Her mixed up life won't change much regardless of the cast of characters, except for being sometimes less mixed up.
***************************************************

I am not usually this plain, or not w/o some gentle words first,
but --  

What would be best for you?  Change your phone number and your locks and let all of this be The Past.  Your alternative is to stay on exactly this rollercoaster until you fall off.

Her best alternative?  It doesn't matter.  She is mixed up, by her illness, but mixed up is mixed up.  Unless she wants to address her illness, see a doc, take the meds, self-manage her symptoms to the best of her ability - her present is her future.  [She may be too mixed up by the illness to know that she is mixed up or WHAT her options are about getting less mixed up, I grant you that.]

Still on a more kindly note.....  You are young enough to have many many choices of companions, and old enough to realize that you can put this relationship aside if you must and survive to start again w/ someone w/o baggage.

IF you are determinded, here's the drill.  Find out whether she is on meds and how she feels about: meds, docs, being bipolar.  If for any reason/s she has never has months of stability on meds, that's a bad sign.  Bad sign too if she says she doesn't need meds.

IF she says she hates being mixed up, agrees that she is ill, needs help finding a good doc, maybe there is a Rescue Role here for you.  Her meds will cost a bundle [forever]:  does she have SSDI? or Medicaid [or whatever your state calls Medicaid]?  She needs either or both in order to get pay for meds.  If she has neither, she probably, if unable to keep a good full-time job, needs to apply for either or both.  Acceptance will take a good long while, and meanwhile someone will have to be her insurer - you, perhaps.  OR - see if there are free clinics where you live.  Hospitals, maybe, or freestanding clinics.  They maybe can cover some meds, but probably not psychiatrist fees.

I wish you good luck.  I have been in your place.  I made the wrong choice.  [I am not speaking of my daughter; sticking w/ her was a good, and the only, choice.]