Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 9/12/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met my wife almost 2 yrs ago, and we got married the past may, from the begining she told me she was bipolar and she had no meds, between the 2 of us we were able to fight the disorder without them, we've always had each other to rely on and it was very seldom that he had any episodes, i love my wife and she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. recently i had to go away because of my job and she had to go back home to help her mom because her dad is terminal with cancer, she's under a lot of stress with me being away and watching her father wither away, her mom really isn't helping the situation because of reason that i don't want to discuss. all that and our son is failing in school and she's fighting to get her step daughter, my step daughter in a custody battle, i wish that i can be there to help make decisions, she told that she has a hard time making decisions because i'm not there, i told her that i would come home, but she doesn't want me to lose my job, is there anything that i can do from afar to help get her back to the way she was after all the work we accomplished in the past to get her where she was before i had to leave. she rarely picks up the phone when anyone calls her to include her friends, and i am on the other side of the globe at the moment and all this has stressed me out aswell. any advice that can be offered would be greatly appreciated. i don't want to see my marriage end because of all that is going on and all the stress we are both under.

ANSWER: David:

This may be a good time for you and your wife to consider at least temporary medication.  Even when a person can function most times without medication, there are times when everything seems to come down on you and it becomes too difficult to go it alone.  Medication--and maybe counseling--could make it much easier for your wife to deal with what she needs to until such a time when you can again return.

Also, are there any friends or family members near her that will disregard her attempts at avoiding them?  She may need someone who is willing to stop by without calling and coax her into getting out and doing things.  Sometimes that is all it takes.

Keep in touch with her as often as you can.  She may need to hear your voice and the words "I love you" more often right now, but the two of you can get through this with some adjustments.

         Joyce A. Anthony

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: she does have a few friends around where her parents are, but they aren't close enough to just drop by, i talked to her this evening and my phone call was the only call she answered all day, she's still dealing with a lot at the moment, she told me she doesn't want me calling all the time, i try to call once a day, she said she doesn't want to talk to anyone, her birthday is saturday and she mentioned that she was going to turn off her phone and she's not going to come home at all until sometime sunday, which i'm not sure is the right idea with her father being ill, and my step-son who is 8 is feeling the effects of the whole situation, she is on anti-depressants for the time being, i don't want to make the situation any worse then what it is by telling her she can't do something, she's 30 yrs old and i don't want her to think that i don't trust her, because i do that has never been an issue, i don't want to her to think that i'm trying to run her life, i've supported her and will continue ti support her, i just wish that she talk to me more about what she's going through so i can help her make the decisions that will benefit her instead of the ones that will hinder her.

Answer
David:

It looks like you are just going to have to trust her to get through this.  Keep calling her.  Keep reminding her how much you love her.  Keep letting her know you are ready and willing to help when she may need it.  Then allow her to come to you.  The best thing you can do, short of going back home, is just let her know you love her and are there for her.

         Joyce A. Anthony