Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 1/19/2009

Question
My husband and I have been together for 13yrs, married for 7yrs and have a 7 month old son. Early into the relationship I noticed that my husband had problems with anger and how he displayed emotions. He went into counseling and maintained it for many years until the clinic closed. He goes on these 'kicks' where he will find a 'shrink' and go for a little while then stop. He hasn't gone in about 1.5 -2 yrs. We always have one huge problem in our relationship , and that is communication. I feel as though I communicate well, but he says that I do not and he has to speak to me rudely and sharp in order for me to understand what he is saying. Ever since we brought our son home, I have been sleeping in the living room because he has grown used to sleeping with me (completely my fault, he hates sleeping in his crib and I cave in when he is screaming) but my husband doesn't complain because I snore and he gets a whole bed to himself. The major problem I have is that he will say something rude and when I reply to it then I am starting an argument. Currently we are not speaking, it all started over a diaper change. He was changing our son and I had diaper rash cream on my hands to apply to him, my husband said that "do whatever you want" and walked away (this may have come from my husband thinking that A&D caused the baby to have a burning on his penis, I have no idea why he would think that and where the idea even came from, but I assured him that A&D was to relieve the diaper rash). I asked him why he would say that and because I said that he went on a tantrum on how I have to argue with him all the time. After 5 minutes of being told that I have problems I asked him to call the 'shrink' he had a number for ,sticky noted on our TV set, he said that I was 'F-ed up for saying that and I explained that I sincerely meant it, that he isn't acting right and should talk to someone, he then called me 'fat' and said that he was tired looking at my fat a**. After that I completely ignored him. Later he came to tell me that he wanted to go to see a motorcycle expo (he is obsessed with motorcycles) I told him that we would not be going (my son & I). He got more aggravated. Rest of the day was silent treatment. At about dinner time I asked him if he was planning to take his son at all today, since the argument early that morning ,he hadn't even held him. He replied that he wasn't and I should be used to having him all the time since eventually I will be a single parent. I walked away,didn't say anything. After about 2 hours I saw him again because when the baby saw him walk past he put his arms out for him and my husband just walked right past. I don't want the baby to think poorly of his dad or feel unwanted, so I tried again to confront my husband about holding the baby, he can hate me as much as he wants, ignore me,whatever, just don't act that way towards the baby. Long story short, he told me to go F* myself and F* him too. that did .that was Saturday,Sunday he didn't leave the bedroom and he didn't look at his son. Today is Monday, he woke up and went top work. I have no idea what to do. We live with my parents ,they live in an apartment upstairs and we have a separate living area downstairs. He is pleasant with everyone except me and he is completely ignoring the baby. Am I the reason for this episode? I feel as though the baby would have a better life if we weren't  married/living together anymore,why should he suffer? I put up with A LOT during this relationship, but my patients and willingness to accept being treated like dirt has changed since I am a mom now. I can't see my son hurt over this, but I don't know what to do. Is this behavior acceptable? Should I just forget that he neglected his son whenever he 'snaps' out of this,because I don't know if I can forget. I think dealing with his behaviors has caused me to suffer ,at times, from mild depression, I still function but notice when I feel like that, I tend to put stuff off or do a half job on it when I do.

Answer
Cheri:

It seems there is a major communication and respect problem here.  Your husband's behavior is more a lack of respect than a symptom of bipolar disorder.

Often, once a baby is born, a woman will find it harder to "put up with" behavior she did when it was just her and the man.  It appears like that is where you are.

My best advice would be for you to sit with your husband, explain that you see a problem and would like to have the two of you go to a counselor.  If he refuses, you will need to determine whether or not you really want to stay in a situation where you are verbally and emotionally abused.  If he sees no problem, then I would suggest moving out with your child and then going from there.

                               Joyce A. Anthony