Expert: Libby Bonner - 1/4/2009

Question
my 23year old daughter has just gone on holiday to goa with her fiance who is 31 he was diagnosed at 19. she has telephoned me in tears as he is manic and treating her badly taking money out to spend and telling her he is fed up with her following him around ! he is kicking furniture around and pushing her around. she rang me in tears and i feel desperate for her as i dont know what to do. he is taking lithium but also took diazepan for the long flight. she said shall we go home and he said he would rather kill himself. he was suffering before going on holiday and was self medicating with smoking weed. when he went to the doctors he was told that the specialist guy was away until end january ! not offered any other help. please can you suggest anything, as i am sick with worry about my daughter in india basically alone with a sick boyfriend who is taking everything out on her.

Answer
Where are you??  Not India?  Sub-continent?  Can you or a male relative go rescue her...seriously?

When do they fly home?  Have return tickets been bought?  Could she use one and return earlier - could you wire money, if needed, to convert the ticket, if single is higher?  If no tickets bought yet,
to have a single paid ticket waiting for her at their arrival airport for a flight home?  [Or, the airport nearest where they now are.]  The airport is not going to let him stay around if he is disruptive; she would be able to board.

As far as healthcare, police, laws, culture - I have no idea at all what to suggest.

If I were young, afraid, alone in an unfamiliar place w/ an abuser/manic,  I would take my passport [if she needs it to depart Goa] and toothbrush and any amount of money that I could get.  Then I would take a cab to any public place that is open 24 hrs a day and I would stay there.  Airport or bus station would be ideal.

Or she could go sit in the waiting room of any hospital that would let her stay there all night.

She should NOT share this plan w/ him.  

But, if he knows where she is, he will follow her there and possibly accost her, whereupon she should let the police arrest him.....and leave for home by any means that you can devise.

What can the young man's family do to help????

Is there an Indian consulate where she could go to ask for help???  Is there a nearby consulate wherever YOU are than can interact w/ a consulate there???  Or call your nearest consulate.

NOW - the way she gets him calm enough to let her out of his sight, is to act unafraid, act agreeable, do not dispute him, or argue with him, or suggest that his behavior is abnormal or that he is sick.

If he is interesed in taking more diazepam, that would be could...he should be encouraged to do that BUT only if he likes the idea.  Otherwise, don't pursue that.

Have you called the police where they are to ask what she should do???

What would a local paper do?  Would they want a hot story, such that they could help her get away?  YOU could contact the paper, but give no details w/o assurances.