Expert: Jennifer - 10/9/2009

Question
This may take a while. So sorry in advance.

OK. 5 years ago my nan died. Sounds pathetic but my dad messed my mam around so I spent basically 12 years of my life with her. She was my life, and I loved her more than anyone.
So yeah she died. And I don't remember much, really, for the year or so after. Except when I was 13 I started cutting. And bruising etc. Yeah. I was just sad all the time. That was basically depression becuse she died, yeah ?
But, I don't know something else set in I guess. It just doesn't feel the same as it did 4 years ago when I was just 13 and 'sad all the time'. I can't really explain it.
When I'm sad, I'm sad. I am miserable. Depressed whatever you want to call it. The extent to which I am sad [etc] is indescribable. It physically hurts me. Even now I can't explain it enough.
But when I'm not miserable I'm .. not just 'happy' coz I'm more grouchy/snappy than happy. I never really am happy. I'm snappy especially with family members more. With friends it's easy to be .. well have a veil over 'me' as I am.
I don't know, I'm just messed up. A teacher suggested I may have SAD, but .. I don't know. Although I feel lighter in the summer months I'm not 'cured' and not always happy. Like I said I'm never truely happy.
I read that people who have mental health issues don't know that they are ill. If this is true why would I be thinking this now? Its true though that I have this need to know things (be it the time, date, when someone will be home etc). This may have promtped the research into how I am. It simply doesn't seem right.
Of course I could just be over reacting. Maybe I'm just a teen with hormones that are exploding in my head. At 17 years old I'm nearly an adult though.
I seem to have narrowed it down to Bipolar and Borderline. I simply want an opinion. I'm sorry, I'm not completely sure why I'm contacting you but I am.
What should I do next ?

Something worth noting - October '08 I had what I believe to be some sort of breakdown in the park. The police were called.

Many thanks for whatever, if anything, you can say. What do you think is wrong with me? I know AllExperts dont like diagnosis over internet and I'm not really asking for a medical exam etc etc. Just an opinion from someone who knows what she's talking about.
Thankyou.

Answer
Well, unfortunately I can't provide you with anything concrete in regards to any illness you may or may not have.  I also think that it's not always true that an individual who has a psychiatric condition won't know that they are ill.  Of course, I can only speak for myself in that matter, and I knew that something was going on and that it was different from the average that I saw in people around me.  I was about 15 when there were starting to be the earliest signs of what was to happen in the future, which I can only describe as emotions that I seemed to feel much more deeply the happy and even more so the sad.  I wasn't diagnosed until I was 21 almost 22, and consider myself fortunate because I was able to recognize that medication wasn't the right thing to do because it made other people's lives easier, I figured out that medication was the right thing because of how it allowed me to achieve things that I probably wouldn't have had the ability to without getting treatment.  

It seems like you've had a lot of things happen in your 17 years, and I'd guess that there have been things that affected you in such a deep sense  - things that your letter here only hints at, and you could very well have developed an inner wall that blocks out the negative or painful things that you're not quite ready to deal with right now.  What seems to be one of the primary issues in your life involves your family life, which would be a matter of needing to get counseling. Unless your teacher is knowledgeable in the area of psychiatric conditions and trained to diagnose such illnesses, I wouldn't take their opinion as fact.  I recommend that you get an appointment with a doctor who has the specialized training in the area of mental illness and treatment of psychiatric conditions, because that's really the only way you'll know for certain what's going on, and is necessary to begin dealing with the matter and treating anything that you may need to have treated.