Expert: Libby Bonner - 10/11/2009

Question
My son is now 19.  My husband has tried and tried, providing him with jobs (we own our on business) even after he stole beer from a bar we were remolding and agressive behavior.  The last time my son got an idea that he was cheating on me.  My son picks up a golf club and starts hitting tools with it, I had to talk him down and calm him.  He is sorry but won't appoligize to my husband.  Is this normal.  He won't get on meds because he knows what meds he needs and the dr is stupid for trying the ones that they do...

Answer
Of course it's not normal.  The doctor is a psychiatrist?  He has been going how long, and what began the visits?

Only a few suggestions.

Go to www.nami.org to find a NAMI affiliate near you.  IF you have choices, go to one that has a family support group in addition to speakers/meetings.  Find our from your NAMI state office when the next Family to Family class starts nearby.  Free, 12-wk class taught by trained family members using proven materials.  This class changes people's lives.  I hope you and your husband will both take this - it's critical that the two of you stay on the same page w/ this problem.

There are two books that may help.  One is by Amador called I am not sick; I don't need help.  Get the more recent one.  Maybe 2004 or later.  Takes a while to buy into the method, but it's one that often works.  Pls give it a thorough reading and try it:  it amounts to putting yourself in his shoes, which often brings surprisingly effective results.

This book I hope you buy, since you will use it often.  Author is Woolis; title is When someone you love has a mental illness.  You will feel more confident as you read it.  You will find real "scripts" that you can use in speaking with him.  Your communications will become more helpful, and some of the current conflict in the household will go down.  This book has helped millions.

The Woolis book, for instance, is ready-made for who should say and do what, when he hit the tools w/ the golf club.  "Sorry" is good enough, and probably all you will get; we can let apologies to your husband go for now.  This is not a well, happy kid whose head is screwed on right, so  don't waste a lot of time on rational persuasion; HE is not rational, much of the time, and forcing certain behaviors, admissions, etc., are just hollow victories.  Let as much go, w/ as little said, as you are able.

However, there is the issue of violence.  I am worried about that, and you should be, too.  [Though, w/ Woolis, some of it will diminish.]  Some of this is covered in Amador, but you may need to consider getting a court committment to force treatment.  You CERTAINLY need to be prepared to put him out of the house and call 911 in a really dangerous situation.  Your NAMI people may know what would happen next [I am speaking of there being no court order] if you called the police or sheriff - ideally he gets taken to a hospital and not a jail, so that's something to give thought to.

Check this site:  www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org to find out what your state laws permit in the way of "involuntary outpatient treatment."  Contact them by phone or email if needed, and be sure your atty has the website address.

I just re-read your note.  Your son is probably unemployable, in the usual sense, right now, and I would NOT let that become an issue.  You can deal w/ that once he is under care and accepting medication.  My goals now would be to follow up on some of the suggestions above, to stay as calm as you can, don't compare him to others, don't provoke him, find him small things to do and make little comment if they go undone.  He is too sick right now to behave very differently from what you are seeing.

I also would touch base w/ an atty, and maybe law enforcement, and I would give serious thought to your own safety.

Those at NAMI have lived this, many of them, and will hear your story w/ great understanding, and have some practical advice.

Good luck to you all.