Expert: Jennifer - 10/3/2009

Question
Hi
A few months ago i met a girl who i fell in love with. Turns out she's bipolar. She didn't hide it. She told me from the start about her condition and that she'd probably bring me a lot of trouble. I don't know what type of bipolar she is or if she's consistent about taking her meds. She never talked much about it and i tried not to press on it. At first everything seemed fine, we talked plenty, she called me everyday at night and we stayed on the phone for long periods of time. We quickly fell in love with each other. But soon enough she called less and less and every time it tried to get together with her, she'd say ok at first and be excited, but usually backed out at the last minute, mostly saying she wasn't ready yet. Recently she has shut out almost completely. Her phone number is now disconnected, she rarely responds to my emails. This has been going on for about a month now. I don't know where she lives, otherwise i would have looked her up already. In fact, when i asked her for her address some time ago, she gave me a fake one. When i asked her about it, she said she didn't feel comfortable giving others her real address so she gave me a fake one so that i could be happy. I can understand why she wouldn't feel right about it, she likes her privacy and she had difficult relationships in the past, plus she was assaulted by her stalker ex-boyfriend not long ago. So i guess she might have been afraid, but why lie?
Anyway, last time i heard from her was almost two weeks ago and she told me she was sorry to cause me so much distress and pain. She asked when she could see me, seemed to want to make emends. But ever since i haven't heard from her and i'm getting confused and frustrated. I really love her and i don't want to leave her, but this is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do and i need some explanation so i can understand why she is acting like this. Why she says she hates hurting me, but does so anyway and why she says she loves me and backs out the next day. We are not yet officially in a committed relationship, but it all pointed out in that direction. Although i've been talking to my sister about this and she's been trying to help me through this situation, there isn't much she can do, as she doesn't know much about bipolar disorder and i've only learned about it since i met this girl. That's why i'm mailing you, so maybe i can get some answers and better understand this condition, if her behavior comes from the disorder, or could she just be afraid and confused like i am? Should i wait, give her more time to adjust and wait for her to come to me? I don't want to make the wrong choice. She means a lot to me, but this situation has been affecting me deeply, including in my professional life. I am in desperate need of some advice. Thank you for your time.

Answer
People lie for all kinds of different reasons, particularly in their romantic relationships and friendships, and usually it's an attempt to spare feelings or avoid conflict.  Perhaps the fake address was a response to feeling stressed and even concerned about what could make you want her address to pressure her into giving you one.  Of course, she also could have someone that she's already in a relationship with living at the same place she does; she could even be living in a type of group home and is too embarrassed to say anything to you about it.

Honestly, I know tons of people who get pretty flaky and hesitant to get fully into a relationship that aren't bipolar, and I don't know any of the people that I know well and are also bipolar who do the same types of things as the non-bipolar.  The fact that she wasn't straightforward with you and lied by way of omitting the truth about her address and can't seem to find a way to tell you what's going on to make her act the way she's been towards you is enough for you to really think about moving on from this one.  It may be something you are reluctant to give up on, but when lying and avoidance are appearing before there's even been a real commitment to an exclusive relationship, you're better off going your own way before there's any further difficulty and stress put onto your life from simply trying to understand what her behavior is caused by.

If she's really worth the effort you want to put in to being with her, she wouldn't be doing the pull-push emotional game she's playing.