Expert: Libby Bonner - 10/9/2009

Question
My husband (56) of thirty years has been  diagnosed with depression for the past ten years, but has all the symptoms of depressive bipolar. He left me and my family two years ago, to go find himself.He is not worked or contributed to our family since then. He has drained our IRA account in order to live. He is now staying with a "friend" on the West Coast, and sees a psychiatrist. I know because I maintain the health care plan in our family.I wrote a letter to the psychiatrist concerning his actions and loss of touch with reality, (he is helping a neighbor whose husband died by taking care of her on the west coast)and asking him to look into placing him on mood stabilizers. Nothing changes,since the letter was sent two months ago, he is being maintained on the same prescriptions of years ago. Should i try to contact the doctor again, or just let him drain our other assets,(our IRA funds are in his name only)  and hide on the west coast, where he "helps people."  I am so tired of being in limbo. If I file for divorce he loses his health insurance and his medication, but I have no control over his actions or whatever he does. I see a counseler every other week, and she keeps telling me to move on. I know my husband is very ill, or else he would be here with our children and grandchildren, but am at a loss as to what to do. Any suggestions?

Answer
I take it you have other means of income than the IRA?  He does not?  What would its total loss mean for you, in the present and the future.  If it would mean a lot, you need to consult an atty AT ONCE, or more than one, to find out what your options are, what divorce would mean re your options, etc.

If he loses his health insurance and meds, and the State of California were not broke, he could go on MediCal, etc.  

Unless he had signed a release of info w/ his CA doc, or other CA providers, naming you as the person with whom info can be exchanged, don't look for any of them to even acknowledge that he is their patient.  However, it is possible to write his doc, as you have.  IF the letter reached him, and IF the doc agrees he is bipolar, one would like to think doc would have made a med change.....  You can tell from billing EVERYTHING that is happening at appts?  I ask because doc may indeed have ordered mood stabilizers, if appropriate.  1] They may be still hunting right med/s, right dose/s, or 2] your husband might have refused them.  [OR doc may not agree w/ your dx.]  OR - even w/ mood stablizers, his mind is not going to snap promptly back to Real Life, and so a sudden change of heart on his part can't be counted on.

If you have unlimited means, you can try to become his guardian, try to get your atty to find a CA atty who can assist, can try to get him back to where you are.  Or can try to place him under CA court order to see a doc, report to the court, etc.  These things are long, and expensive, and frought......

[If you divorce him and he shows up again, you can always remarry.....by then, you can probably even get him on your ins again, re pre-existing conditions, etc.]

I would make hard-nosed decisions about what will be best for YOU now, in 10 yrs, in 20 yrs.  I would do the math and then I might worry about the very ill husband too sick and too far away to be helped in any very meaningful way.

"...helping a neighbor..."  He lives alone?  On what?  He maybe by now lives w/ the neighbor???

Good luck.