Expert: Libby Bonner - 11/9/2009

Question
Apologies for the length, background info included:  I have a 4 year relationship with an extremely immature man who suffers from bipolar, anxiety, and a fixation on his childhood.  We started out as boyfriend/girlfriend, and that quickly deteriorated into a nurse/patient or parent/child role (he was living in my house and would not leave).  He was unable and unwilling to take care of himself (no money/job/car/friends and overmedicated).  His family refused to help with his care or give him a place to live, yet he bad-mouthed me to them as if I were a monster (lies & distortions to get their pity, I suppose).  I kept trying to guide him towards independence, as I realized the situation was unhealthy for us both.  Anyway, today he is in his own apartment and we have remained friends - but I am not sure that is a path we should stay on.  I help when he asks for it, and don't mind.  But I don't know where or how to draw the line when it comes to his drama.  For instance, he is off his Lithium, manic, and just came into a large sum of money (social security).  He came to my house yesterday bragging about how he is helping (counseling) the needy, alcoholic people he calls his "new friends".  He bought wine and cognac at the store.  He drank the wine, threw up all over my bathroom, then left to go meet a guy he planned to "talk out of beating his girlfriend". Nice friends. He has spent quite a bit of the money received and seems to want to impress everyone around him.  I couldn't identify the moment where I should have known to ask him to leave.  He was receiving numerous texts and things seemed to get weird quickly.  I did try to reason with him and advise caution (of course, he ignored me).  As much as I know this is a passing phase, and he will be crumpled on the floor crying in agony shortly...I am having difficulty feeling the usual level of sympathy.  His behavior repeats, but it NEVER improves, despite years of therapy.  I just don't want this in my life anymore (it is VERY distressing), but I don't want to hurt his feelings.  For lack of a better idea, I have started the process of moving out of state.  My question is this: do I continue to try to be friends (and offer emergency assistance only), or do I quietly cut all ties and flee?  I need to be sensitive to a suicide risk, as he has refused to build a support network.  Thanks very much for your time.

Answer
I would be passive in the relationship - wouldn't do anything to continue it, and little in the way of emergencies.  Give him a crisis line phone number.  Do NOT indicate that YOU have concerns about him, or suicide, or how his life will work out.  It's working out, now, in the only way it ever will.

If he expresses concerns, shrug.  You are too busy w/ other things to have him underfoot right now anyway, yes?

Don't make a big deal of leaving. Just go about your preparations at whatever speed suits you, and then go.

I would NOT provide the name of my proposed destination, nor ever check on him once you are there.

Take as much drama out of this as you possibly can....it should become really boring, what the future would bring.