Expert: Jennifer - 11/9/2009

Question
my husband has been diagnosed as bi-polar, I left three timesand am severely depressed. The violence so far is only towardsme and in the past he has thrashed the home several times. Family and friends suggest i leave for good. Love him and my family and see the sincerity in his wanting to control the disease, he has kept to his end of the deal, we talk but resides elsewhere so as the children can continue with their education. Live in a country where domestic violence tolerated unless YOU GET OUT and courts will go with who has the cash...have been dependent on him for 13 years..housewife or working in his business. Have there been cases where the violence does stop with the right help and motivation what are the studies you know of to support this? Should I trust his word again...I do see his wanting to change..for now. Thanks and Godbless!

Answer
While the current data available from research studies on the subject of domestic violence are at a point where the argument over who is right and so forth going back and forth between the sides in the political sector dictates that I shouldn't include information from that particular source given the uncertainty of how correct (or incorrect# it could be; I may still be of some help with this matter.

I am bipolar and have stuck with the medications my psychiatrist prescribes for treatment of my symptoms since 2000.  I spent my 20's #all 10 years# in a relationship with a man who was bipolar, but only bothered with medication a combined total of 3-4 months, out of all 10 years we were together.  He also grew up in a home that was extremely violent and witnessed several incidents between his parents where his mother was very lucky to have survived what his father did to her, and both of his parents were violent with their three children.  He has an older brother and sister, his sister has been abusing heroin since she was 17, his parents nearly separated over their problems but after his father sought counseling they eventually changed and now only become physically aggressive and hostile very rarely.  His parents ended up raising his sister's children because she just left them at their house one day and only appears on holidays to ask for money - though she's only been back around for 3 years after disappearing completely for about 7 years.  I had no idea what the dynamics in his home were like when I first started dating him, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten involved in a relationship, but at the time I was naive and when I did begin to get to know him, I thought that since I was the exact opposite of the people he admitted he'd been violent towards - including one of his ex's - that I would somehow be safe from harm.  I was wrong. After 3 months, the violence started, and by that time he had convinced me that I needed him, that no one else without bipolar could ever understand me the way he did, and just in case that wasn't enough, he also threatened to retaliate and hurt everyone important to me if I left - though he'd spare me because he wanted me to see them harmed.  And I believed him, which meant I would spent the next 9 years and 9 months in a prison of my own making, one that only I could find a way to get myself out of.  
      The fact that one is bipolar isn't what causes a person to become violent towards their loved ones #or anyone for that matter), but it does cause a violent person to become worse.  I remember one of my law professors talking about domestic violence, and that the average number of times a victim leaves and returns to their abuser before they leave and stay away for good, is 8 times.  My ex had been arrested about three years before I finally left for good, and asked to stay at my house for a few weeks until he'd been able to either reconcile and move back home - his family had called to have him arrested because of an argument with him - those few weeks turned into nearly 3 years where not only was I still trapped, but that prison was now in my home 24/7.  The police were called by my neighbors several times, and a couple of times I called 911 and left the phone off the hook or hung up because I knew that they would send someone to help me if I did that, and had learned that my ex would prevent me from being able to use the phone, leave wherever we were when he got violent, or get out of my home; these lessons were literally beaten into me over many years.  Eventually, my friends stayed away, my parents had moved to another state to help my brother take care of his kids after his wife had cancer and passed away, and every part of my support network was gone.  All that I had left was him.  I think that's why I called the police and had him arrested; I was terrified of him more than I was afraid of having to be alone during a time I had to start getting my life to move forward.  Do you think that your husband is safe and won't harm your children if they start living with him full-time?  I know that it's difficult for you to leave him, but can you trust him to be around your kids, so that you can start building a new life for yourself and still leave the door open for the children to come back to live with you full-time after you've acquired the financial resources to make that possible?
     The only person who can stop your husband from being violent towards you and trashing your house, is him. He may want to change, but in my experience, they don't - at least not until they really want to, and begin to put in much more work towards accomplishing that goal, with the help of professional counselors, sticking with medication without any "time off", and usually do better if they're alone for the majority of this process.  Because you live in a country that only protects victims from domestic violence situations if they leave the person, you need to contact someone who can advise you on the legal options you have to protect your kids and yourself, even if it means getting an agreement in writing that you plan on taking the children back with you full-time after you've gotten your financial situation set.  Your family and friends may be an option if you're worried about your husband not being safe to leave your children with - it won't hurt to ask them about helping you in that way.  However, it's one of those situations that doesn't get better very often, and the sooner you begin looking for a way to leave, find a job, and build a life where you're safe - the better.  Please don't risk your life over the rare possibility your husband will continue to live up to the promises he makes, because that's all he has; promises that he'll do better, that he won't hurt you, that he'll be the kind of man you want/need him to be for you and your children.  A man of action would be working on showing you that he's changing because not only does he want to have his family and wife in his life still, but because his future needs him to change his ways if he wants to be happy.