Expert: Jennifer - 11/15/2009

Question
I am seeing someone who has been diagnosed and is taking medication for bipolar.  She doesn't like the diagnosis.  She thinks it is wrong and has a fear of counselors and people in that profession.  She doesn't think we have had sex yet because we have not had intercourse.  I don't want intercourse until I know her well enough to know if intercourse is 'good' for her. The doctor prescribing meds isn't the one who diagnosed her.  He told her she didn't need counseling! I would think that anyone with a diagnosis like that should have ongoing counseling. Is there no talk therapy that is effective for bipolar people?  What am I getting into when it comes to dealing with someone who is bipolar?  I heard they can flip on you.  (Get a fear about you and think you are their enemy.)  She seems to be a different person at times when it comes to conversations like she can't remember what she said before or maybe she is just trying to win her point.  She doesn't think that she pressured me to go as far as we have sexually.  (Everything but intercourse. Having orgasms through; mutual masturbation, oral sex, and petting.  We do  sleep together when we are spending the night together.)  How serious is bipolar as far as a diagnosis?  Is it a  major or minor mental problem?

Answer
The severity of any mental illness is largely dependent on how effective any medication a person is taking on a regular basis is for controlling the symptoms of the condition.  All mental illnesses are a serious thing, but the act of sexual intercourse shouldn't be considered as something that must be either "good" or "bad" for a person to engage in, simply on the basis of having a mental illness.  

The difficulty remembering something that she said (though you didn't state whether it was immediately after saying it - or shortly after, or if this is in reference to memory of something she said at a much later point in time: the former can be illustrated as 10 minutes for example, and the latter would be more along the lines of a few days or weeks) may actually be caused by her medications.  The desire to win an argument is something that people who have a mental illness have in common with those who do not, but if you feel there is a lack of honesty or understanding on both of your parts, you may wish to take some time to consider whether or not this is the girl for you.  Some sources believe that talk therapy is important for bipolars, and others disagree and consider medication and regular monitoring during 30-45 minute sessions asking questions pertinent to assessing the efficacy of a patient's current medications and issues which could be affecting the person which may signal the need for adjustments or changes to be made.

It is important for all people to realize that simply because a person has a mental illness, doesn't mean that they're any less deserving or capable (with proper treatment of course) of a healthy loving relationship.  All relationships are challenging, and the real question you should ask yourself, is if you're willing to put in whatever amount of work needed to let this particular relationship develop further.  I know several people who have not been diagnosed with any mental illness, nor have they appeared to have symptoms of any; yet they have demonstrated poor relationship skills and little understanding of others or consideration of the feelings of their romantic partners.  You shouldn't disqualify someone on the basis of subjective evidence claims.