Expert: Joyce A. Anthony - 11/15/2009

Question
I am seeing someone who has been diagnosed and is taking medication for bipolar.  She doesn't like the diagnosis.  She thinks it is wrong and has a fear of counselors and people in that profession.  She doesn't think we have had sex yet because we have not had intercourse.  I don't want intercourse until I know her well enough to know if intercourse is 'good' for her. The doctor prescribing meds isn't the one who diagnosed her.  He told her she didn't need counseling! I would think that anyone with a diagnosis like that should have ongoing counseling. Is there no talk therapy that is effective for bipolar people?  What am I getting into when it comes to dealing with someone who is bipolar?  I heard they can flip on you.  (Get a fear about you and think you are their enemy.)  She seems to be a different person at times when it comes to conversations like she can't remember what she said before or maybe she is just trying to win her point.  She doesn't think that she pressured me to go as far as we have sexually.  (Everything but intercourse. Having orgasms through; mutual masturbation, oral sex, and petting.  We do  sleep together when we are spending the night together.)  How serious is bipolar as far as a diagnosis?  Is it a  major or minor mental problem?

Answer
Hi Randall:

There seems to be a lot of concern on your part here and I will try to address them all.  

First, sex is sex, regardless if there is actual intercourse. Whether sex is "good" for a person with bipolar disorder should be based on your relationship, not the disorder.  Unless she is a person who gets hyper-sexual and sleeps with a loty of people just for the sake of sex, than her disorder should not be a factor in your decision.

You mentioned she is on medication, but doesn't see a talk counselor.  That is typical in many cases.  Counseling is not necessary as long as a person is stable and can handle being bipolar.  If the issue is a problem for her, than it would be necessary.  Bipolar disorder is a chemical disorder.  Medication works on that.  Where counseling comes into the picture is in cases where the person with the disorder can't handle the symptoms, where family/friends may need help understanding or dealing, etc..

The information you heard about flipping out actually apples to schizophrenia, not bipolar disorder.  Those who are not stabilized by medication may not be able to handle their anger, but this is rare and is a coping issue, not a bipolar one.

The medication often makes memory issues a problem.  Although, your girlfriend may just be trying to manipulate you--and that is a personality issue, not the bipolar.

Bipolar disorder is categorized as a major emotional disorder.  This comes about because there is no "cure", only maintenance.  I am willing to bet you have had contact with many who suffer from bipolar disorder, but are stabilized, and never suspected a problem.  

What a person with bipolar needs most is acceptance and understanding from friends and family.  I think you have an issue with this at the moment and I am glad you care enough to ask.  As for the sex, that is a whole different issue--and one I believe is your issue at the moment.  You have technically had sex and spending the night together, as well as the other activities, while you are still unsure, is giving her mixed messages.  I think that is something the two of you need to work out together, and the bipolar disorder needs to be left out of the equation, as this does not effect that.
                                    Joyce A. Anthony