Expert: Jennifer - 2/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: I need to know how responsible is a manic person on a shopping spree that causes a grand total of debt in the $1500+ range when the person was given the responsibility of her mothers debit card and then also used her own bank account to run up said charges? I need all the info/advice you can give me on that type of situation. ESP in the area of what should and should not be done, we have lectured and yelled and it just seems to make everything worse what can we do? I feel I should mention our manic is also VERY sensitive and takes everything (it seems) we do or say to heart she takes it as an insult to herself in other words she takes it personally and seems to think we are trying to punish or hurt her. She is 34!

ANSWER: Regardless of age (although the fact that this person is 34 merits a more short-serious response to spending $1500 of someone else's money than say....a 16 year old...might), the fact that what was spent was not limited to her own bank account clearly illustrates that she should not be given the responsibility of access to bank accounts or credit cards that are not exclusively tied to her own money.  You're going to have to draw the proverbial line in the sand and establish what will be acceptable and what will not, and I'd recommend starting with taking away any means she may still have to bank accounts and credit cards belonging to other people.  Lectures and yelling usually work when the person is still in high school, but at 34, it's going to make the fight worse by adding more fuel to the fire.  You cannot allow the irresponsible choices made by this person to cost other people in the family -- it's not as if you're spending money on providing for basic needs; she's spent it on who knows what, while on a shopping binge.  If she gets upset about the changes made, tell her that there needed to be changes made with regards to the financial needs of the other family members, and she is now limited to the budget she has on her own.  Take a firm stand, because getting away with something only encourages repeat behavior.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Since you did not say anything about manic episodes am I to understand that her spending spree had nothing to do with her mental illness? Also just to clarify she only spent about $130 of my money, the rest of it was from her own check book. also we do know a few things she bought, she bought gas to help her get to the stores, and I will admit it was my car she kept my car filled with gas, and she bought some stuffed animals for herself, a jacket and a few groceries, these things we know about, oh yes and she paid the gas bill, and bought her own box at the U.P.S. Store, PAID FOR A YEAR! The main problem is she got her account overdrawn till they started sending checks back, and the book she bought a book from some guy traveling around by mule carried buggy selling his own book! Because of the hot check to the gas company we almost had the gas turned off in the house!

Answer
The information you provided in your follow-up puts an entirely different perspective on the situation; most of the purchases she made were sensible, keeping your gas tank filled was considerate, and the few incidentals that you mentioned (stuffed animals, a ups mail box, and a book) are not bizarre purchases.  The fact that she has allowed her bank account to be overdrawn suggests that she may need help with working out a budget and then sticking to it.  
   The spending sprees and shopping binges that are associated with bipolar (hypo)mania are very different from the behavior you described.  Usually the person will spend every penny they have and max out the credit cards (as many credit cards that they can get approved for) if their (hypo)manic episode continues long enough; an example of what kinds of things that a person may decide to buy (taken from Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison's book "An Unquiet Mind") would be the horse she decided to buy in her earlier years in graduate school because the alternative was going to a psychiatrist to treat her bipolar; 12 snakebite kits; precious stones; 3 watches (rolex, timex, etc..) within an hour of the others; inappropriate clothing; which she estimated a total of $30,000.00 was spent during the two major manic episodes that she experienced up to that point in time.  

  Perhaps, if she is unwilling to work with you or another person she is close to in the family/friends circle, she may be receptive to the idea of going to an accountant to work out a monthly budget that would iron out the minor problems she has with managing her money in such a way as to avoid overdraft fees and a negative bank balance.  But, most of us have had problems with the exact same issue at some point in our lives, so I do not believe that her spending is being driven by a manic phase.