Expert: Libby Bonner - 2/5/2009

Question
Hey, my name is Mike.  I have been married almost a year.  My wife has always been somewhat moody, but lately it's been horrible and I have no idea how to deal with it.  She has normal days maybe once or twice a month.  All other days she is screaming and telling me she wants divorced (literally).  We had two good days this week alone!  Was amazing! I really thought she was going to change.  She said her actions were because of her friend, who is apparently no longer her friend after a falling out! this past week.  Tonight, she told me she was done and couldn't stand me.  She said it was never her fault and it's all me.  Said she could do better.  Then started running her mouth to our son. He is five.  Kept going on and on how we don't do this or that when we get older.  I was foolish enough to argue with her in front of him AGAIN!  I feel horrible every time, but she just knows how to push my buttons.  I am a whole lot better now with dealing with her, but man, when is enough, enough.  
My friends and family are constantly telling me to leave and things will be better.  I love her.  I have a daughter (shared parenting) who lives two hours away.  I have taken her son as my own and love him the same.  He doesn't know his biologic dad.  I pray and pray.  I try talking to her and she becomes angry and starts divorcing me right there on the spot.  I try to be gentle when talking and no difference.  She tells me I'm psychotic!  She told me she doesn't love me and she's done.  Tomorrow she may love me again.  I don't know how to respond or how to act.  I have never in my life dealt with anything like this.  How do you make them realize there's a problem?  How do you get it help when they're unwilling?  How to you deal with it until they do get help?  How do you stabilize the family?  Her parents are together but both are somewhat melancholly and show no emotions.  My wife is same.  No emotions.  We have absolutely no relationship any more.  We did while dating.  She isn't effectionate at all.  No hugs, kisses, I love you's, no sex, no dates, NOTHING!!!  She constantly throws things in my face that I have messed up on.  She is always depressed acting except like I said those few days a month, but then she is like screaming and acting goofy in a funny way, but it's actually annoying!  It looks as if she is faking.  Like artificial drama.  Someone who wants to be liked or wants to fit in so bad they do anything. Why can she not understand I love her and want her to be herself and let me be there for her.  The other day she was screaming and crying over her memory card...said, "Now my memory card is broke!  I hate my life!  My life sucks! I just want to go away!"  She has talked suicide a few times, has hit me.  Many times she has even screamed things at me and said I was the one who said them.  I actually got to where I wondered if I was crazy and didn't even know what was actually going on.  I talked with a social worker in the hospital I work in.  She helped me sort things.  She is like a roller coaster and I NEED HELP!!!  PLEASE!

Answer
2/5
Buy this book today!  Author is Woolis and title is When someone you love has a mental illness.  You will feel rescued and feel less powerless, and daily life may calm down some: this book is all about communicating effectively, and about continuing to be the grown-up in the family if others cannot.

One question: how demonstrative and emotive was she when you were dating?  Oh, another one: in whose house/apt are you living, and are both of you working?  If you needed to separate for a bit - don't know that you will - how would that work...income, who would live where, etc.

2/6.  Have more time to answer today.  You ask:  "How do you make them realize there's a problem?  How do you get it help when they're unwilling?"  I'm sorry to say there is no way to do either.  If a person is irrational, they will not respond to rational persuasion.

There are a couple other diagnoses she could have besides bipolar, but the real issue here is what to do prior to a diagnosis.

I don't have your answers to my questions of yesterday yet, and I find that I have another one:  are you calling the time period before you got married to her "the time when you were dating?"  I'm interested in whether simply getting married set this off -- it's not unusual for that to happen.

Pls do get the Woolis book and use as much of it as is practical now. I would be very suprised if it did not help you.  But - I think it probably won't be enough for you to continue living together without at huge amount of stress.

The only immediate action I see is to separate, telling her that there is too much stress for you, and noting that she seems stressed as well.  You can tell her also that your return is a possibility if you each get therapy separately [she will not accept only her getting therapy], and then joint therapy to resolve issues about living together.  Further, that you would expect her to start seeing a therapist within the next 3 months or so.  [I would write this to her, since there is no way she will listen if you tell her - and she will blow up, might become more violent than in the past.  You could tell her you need a break for awhile, a week or so, and then see that she gets the note soon after that.  Have your bags packed when you tell her and be ready to get out the door.  Or you may feel you will even have to tell here the "break" message over the phone.]

You may want to let her parents know, and her son, that you hope to get back together.  And you may want to arrange visitation w/ her son.

Any therapist who sees her will surely catch on that she needs to see a doctor, and will probably arrange for an appt.  However, because of privacy laws, you will only hear her side of what the therapist has said or recommended.  Unless the Woolis book works huge miracles OR until she has a diagnosis and some pharmaceutical treatment well underway, I can see nothing that will change your situation.

If she should actually get real help, it might be possible to have some sorts of scheduled contact in the interim.   You will need some guidance on that - I have none.  Those contacts will work better, if that time comes, if you have digested the Woolis book, and will keep its wise advice in mind.

Good luck.