Bipolar Disorder/marital affair

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Expert: - 2/6/2009


Question
I have been married to my husband for 20 yrs, together for 26yrs.Im 43 and my husband is nearly 45.
He has had mood swings since we met, but they got worse if a stressfull situation occured.
I have run my own business for 22 yrs, which has generated a lot of stress. However, i mainly dealt with this myself, as i was aware that my husband would get stressed out.
Apart from some very sad times like the death of his father 10 yrs ago and his mother 2 1/2 yrs ago, most of our stress is financial, not dislike most married couples.
the financial problems got worse 2 yrs ago when i was declared banckrupt. it has been contained and up untill last oct we were not going to loose the house.unfortunatly, in 1 wk, he lost his job and i was told we were probably going to loose the house.
3 yrs ago, after talking to my doctor, i looked up bi-polar disorder and asked my husband to fill out the questionaires and the results strongly reccommended that he see his doctor. we did and he had a few appointments with a psychiatrist who confirmed that he was borderline bi-polar, i think it was called cyclo-mania.
He didnt have any prescribed drugs, he started taking st.johns wort.
Things improved, and we had a great 18 months, right upto may of last yr.
unfortunately, a "friend" set him up on a foursome with his girlfriends friend. He kissed this woman, in his words this came out of no where.
A month later, the same friend invited him out and she was there again.
the affair started then. His behaviour started to become erratic and he started to with hold money from me, typical manic behaviour.
I had no idea what was going on, he has never so much looked at anyone else in a serious way in all our time together.I have had this confirmed from his friends who, like myself and my family are in absolute shock.
He leaft early sat morn 3 wks ago, leaving a 3 page A4 letter saying he couldnt go on like this anymore, he had fallen out of love with me, and had met someone else.
we have a 16yr old daughter and an 11yr old son.
We have talked loads in the last 3 wks, he seems very calm, but i do feel he is in fantasy land.
He has put the failure of our marriage down to "us wanting different things" and the constant chaos that has surrounded the business, all be it, most of which he was shielded from.
he admits that his lack of communication is to blame, but i think he is in denial that the bi-polar has possibly played a part in his behaviour and feelings.

sorry for the essay length intro, but my question is, could this b a mid-life crsis and is it common with BP sufferers?  

Answer
Your husband was probably diagnosed cyclothymia, which is a variation on bipolar where there are numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms and numerous periods of depressive symptoms that are not severe enough to meet the requirements for a major depressive episode.

  Because I cannot really say whether the current situation is part of a midlife crisis, or if it's something caused (at least in part) by other problems in your relationship, I am unable to state whether the bipolar issue has complicated things on his end. I can tell you that right now, his choices are not conducive to a relationship, and you are going to be better off if you take this time to address anything you feel about the marriage ending in order to be capable of going in your own direction without him.  Your children are older, so when the time is right, you should sit down with them and discuss the changes that will take place and assure them that you and their father both love them very much and will continue to be involved in their lives - even if it's done separately.

Bipolar Disorder

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Jennifer

Expertise

I am available to answer questions of a general nature about bipolar disorder, provide online resources that address bipolar disorder in a more in-depth manner and sources to serve as a starting point for those looking for substantial information on the illness from a healthcare professional approach. I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist, my background is based in personal experience and extensive reading in my own process of understanding my diagnosis. I can also take questions that deal with the social issues surrounding bipolar disorder such as relationships; coping for family, friends, and the patient; marriage, choosing to start a family and related. Answers to questions of a legal nature will provide general information but anyone with a serious legal problem should consult an attorney licensed to practice in their jurisdiction.

Experience

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type II in 2000; as a SSI beneficiary, have experience and knowledge of the limitations and processes involved with the program; I understand the moods, the feelings, the worries, the doubts, and a lot more that there's not enough room to express - from the personal experiences of being bipolar. I have first-hand experience with the challenges of returning to college following hospitalizations and various combinations of medications that were tried before my doctor and I finally arrived at the most effective medication program for my treatment. My family and I have learned so much about each other in the process of dealing with the highs and lows that followed my diagnosis. I've had relationships with someone who also is bipolar and someone that is not - romantic relationships are no easier on either side! I feel that many of the ideas and beliefs that people have regarding bipolar disorder and those who have the condition promote the continuation of social stigmas associated with mental illness in general, and after learning from others with bipolar disorder, hope to guide others who may be trying to navigate the government health care system,& share information on other possible means of obtaining assistance with the cost of medications and/or mental health services and limited financial assistance programs for meeting basic living expenses for qualified individuals, dealing with problems from or with family & loved ones, co-occurring substance abuse problems, medications and side-effects (and when it feels like nothing will work, or why it's not helping the situation to ask whether or not a patient has taken their 'meds' when they seem hostile or moody to those around them).

Education/Credentials
I have a B.A. in Liberal Arts and will earn my J.D. upon completion of the Spring 2011 term after which I will be preparing to take the multi-state bar exam.

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