Expert: Libby Bonner - 3/9/2009

Question
Both of my older brothers have been diagnosed as bipolar(44 and 45 years old), yet their illness does not always manifest itself the same way.  One has grandiose illusions about the reincarnation of Jesus through a Canadian hero, and the other thinks he is the greatest mind of this generation.  One brother in particular has gotten much worse in the past 18 months.  He used to experience more of the depressive side, but now seems stuck in the manic mode.
Our family (parents and 3 adult sisters) have done everything possible for my brother for the past 15 years including bailing him out financially and stopping suicide on several occasions.   He lost his law practice 8 years ago and now lives with my 70 year old mother.  We even tried to get him help at one of the leading hospitals in Canada (Royal Ottawa).  He stayed for 5 weeks, but got "lonely" and checked himself out.  His behaviour over the past 2 months has warranted hospitalization, yet the "Tribunal" (Patient advocates) allowed him to leave against the advice of the doctor.
My brother is now targeting all his his anger and frustration at my father.  He is mentally terrorizing him.  He is freeloading off of my mother because she cannot turn him away.  He will not talk to his sisters because we have set boundaries and limits for some of his behaviour.  I and my sisters will not go to my mother's house because we do not trust him around our children.  How can we help if the system won't allow it?  We now think he is taking street drugs and drinking.  I am very angry at my brother for the hell he has caused by refusing our help.  I believe both of my parents will not make it through this due to the stress.  No family has done more then ours to help.  The well has almost run dry emotionally.  I always wondered what story brought a family to severing ties with someone they love.  We are now living that story.

Answer
It is often the nature of the mentally ill to refuse help, not take meds, behave badly:  mental illnesses are brain disorders that cause  disturbances of mood, thought, and behavior.  [Which can make it maddening for those trying to help, but does not change the fact that your brother is behaving as he does BECAUSE OF CHANGES IN HIS THINKING CAUSED BY HIS ILLNESS and not because of ungratefulness, or simply being an irresponsible problem person.]

And yes, it is quite common to feel huge amounts of anger at these ill persons....because there are so many frustrations...and frustrations w/ the care system, as you point out.

Please be in touch w/ www.world-schizophrenia.org, a Canadian group that does indeed also cover bipolar disorder.  I think you can get all the help you need there...and I do hope there is a group near you that one or more of you can attend regularly.  This group and their resources should help you feel less helpless, and help you find an action plan that will protect your parents.

I think you parents might benefit from some of the group's info, too.  BUT I think the brother/s needs to be removed from Mom's house and be kept away from Dad.   Do mom and dad live separately??   I don't know the Canadian system, but via the schiz group or the Tribunal maybe you can arrange other living arrangements for him/them [one brother? both brothers?]

Also, I wonder if their are Canadian laws about elder abuse that could be brought into play here.

Someone needs to explain to your dad what's going to happen - that he is going to kept from harrassment.  Then maybe Dad's locks can be changed, phone number, too, or a cell phone only, if Dad will agree to stick by his guns and not allow the son in again.

Do please see that everyone gets ample material from the Canadian group.  I seem to recall that you can download most of their printed material at no cost.   

If you are able to get to a place beyond the anger, this site has some awfully good material: helpguide.org

Good luck.