Expert: Libby Bonner - 3/2/2009

Question
I found cocaine in our home and asked my spouse not to come back.  He has bipolar disorder, with very strong anger issues, and I have found marijuana in the past and told him my no tolerance position on drugs then. He will not admit he uses drugs and is probably not on his meds either.  We have heard very little from him, a few texts.  I am fearful of allowing him to be around the children until he owns up and gets into some sort of more intensive treatment than a med check twice a year.  I have offered for him to go take a drug test and then we would meet him at a public play location, but he has not chosen to do this.  Is there something else I should do?  Am I overreacting?  I would appreciate a professionals advice. Thank you.

Answer
There are mulitple answers that your question suggests.

Partly, I don't know some significant info.  Are you two the biological parents of the children, and what are their ages?  When did you marry and your ages then?  When did he get his bipolar diagnosis?  Has he ever been seen more than 2x/yr by a doc for it?Who moved in with whom?  What has been his work history, and yours?

Who can pay for his doc and his meds if he starts being seen at appropriate intervals?  Finding the right meds, right doses can take awhile....and only then will you know who, exactly he is....and he will find out whether the meds and the side-effects are an OK trade-off to be back in the family.   

His anger issues may or may not be aspects of his under-treated bipolar disorder.  Similarly, his drug use may, or may not, be attempts to self-medicate....very common w/ bipolars.

Underlying your whole email, it seems to me, is the question of whether you want him in [your?] house and your life; how the children feel about this, and will feel about it.

If there is a NAMI affiliate near you, nami.org, you could benefit greatly by talking w/ others w/ similar problems.  The thing that might keep you together, or make you willing to consider it again, would be their free 12-week class called Family to Family.

Were you over-reacting?  If this is only the second time your zero-tolerance message was given to him, perhaps a bit.  Nevertheless, it's pretty hard to compromise on cocaine, and you have certainly provided a powerful lesson to your children.

Ask a couple of other experts.  Get to a few NAMI meetings.  Write again whenever.