Expert: Libby Bonner - 5/6/2009

Question
Married 9 years I am his 5th wife and this is his longest relationship. He has been on medication for depression (varied) for over a year and sees va counc once a month. Separate doctor that issues meds suggested that he might be bipolar because of his reaction to some of the meds,but he is also being treated for sleep apnea and was told this could cause his outbursts too.  Because it is va, we are on hold for 6 months before he sees med dr again! He is early 6o and his siblings say this hehavior has been around a long time.  They had an extremely abusive childhood! This has never been brought up in session however. My husband says he doesn,t remember anything.  Here's my question, my husband has this need to isolate me from family and community. No matter where we go this happens.  If he can't make me into the bad guy he acts out so badly that we aren't asked back or I don't go back because its so tiring.  When we married I had a close relationship (not perfect,but workable)with my kids and entertained a lot.  That is all gone and I spend most of my time alone. Ihad hoped that the meds and counc would help but we recently moved and it has happened again. When I talk to people that he has been around for his whole life, he has done this with all his relationships. It will seem like we are doing good and then wham I am hit with this again. Is this a common practice of bipolar people or am I dealing with another issue? Have not been able to find this listed as a symtom.

Answer
Hard to know if this is bipolar, but the observation about his reaction to some meds makes the diagnosis worth considering.

About his "need to isolate you."  Again, hard to know w/o a better idea of exactly how this happens.  I say this because many or even most people w/ serious mental illnesses are very sensitive to stress of all kinds.  They tend to prefer quiet, and minimal socializing -- this is self-protective for them.  If they are thrust into over-stimulating situations they might retreat, if possible, or act out.

But setting it up so you are the bad guy....not sure if that sounds typical.  Again, how, exactly does he do this?  [But this is a guy w/ a history, per people who have known him a long time, and there are those multiple marriages....]

And/but it would also be VERY typical w/ bipolar to "seem like we are doing good and then wham I am hit with this again."  After all, the essence of bipolar disorder is changing moods, without any real external causes...because of changes in the patient's brain chemistry.

My advice.  See if you can find a support group for yourself.  Try to locate one via nami.org or world-schizophrenia.org, the latter based in Canada and definitely dealing with all mental illness.  With either org, see if a local affiliate offers separate support groups for families, as opposed to general meetings.  But go, whether or not.  You will feel less isolated.

Any support group will urge you to try to make a separate, satisfying life for yourself, and not keep trying what hasn't worked w/ your husband.  This assumes you can do this w/o upsetting him.  Try to find women's groups, perhaps, based around hobbies that might also have low-key social activities, like lunch out together at some or all meetings.  [How about a Red Hats group?]

Try to find a way back to your kids.  Try to find a way out of your house, literally.  Try to turn your focus toward you and your needs.  Your husband may not be a bad guy, but if he is a sick guy his ability to meet your social is limited.

Try to focus out toward the world, instead of inward toward the relationship.

I'm not sure if you mean the VA in Canada? or in the US....but if there is a way to break this waiting period for meds, go for it.  Has he been seen by a psychiatrist yet?  If you/he asked for a psychiatric visit, would that get him seen sooner...and would he be OK w/ that???

I hope you can find ways to open up your life.  Maybe use email to get in touch w/ old long-lost friends??  Can you drive to local or near-by attractions, just for a break and to catch your breath??

Get in touch w/ the two organizations...and try a couple of the suggestions above.  Easy for me to say, I realize; and harder to do, probably.  But you can be a good wife and still undertake some healthy steps toward meeting your own needs.