Expert: Jennifer - 6/24/2009

Question
Hello. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years, and he has been diagnosed bipolar type II for two of those years. It hasn't been easy, especially since we also now have a long distance relationship because of being done with college. We have never fought with each other, but we certainly have had long conversations that were scary for the both of us. We both love each other very much, and any problems that we have had we willingly work out because we are dedicated to making this for the long run. He is on medication, and has grown wonderfully from where he was to where he is now. An obstacle that I find now is the different pages we are on when it comes to being intimate. He does not seem interested at all lately, and in general I think I have a higher drive. This makes things a little difficult at times, but it is easy to remember that he is worth it. I am a year older than him at 23 and he is 22. My question I guess is how does the disorder affect drive throughout the life, or does it mostly vary from person to person? Does medication also affect it? He does not enjoy communicating about this, and I feel bad asking him because I think it makes him feel impotent. We schedule times to talk on the phone and he always backs out because he is too tired. He texted me today and said he is afraid to try when he is tired because he might not enjoy it or be 100% involved. I can understand that, but he never wants to make sure I am satisfied. When I say satisfied I don't mean he needs to sweet talk me until climax, but at least say he finds me attractive and that he can't wait until next time. It just always feels like a blow off. He says "Do you mind if we try tomorrow night?" and tomorrow night never happens either. Yes, I do mind but I can never say that and I also don't want him doing something he doesn't want to or can't at the time. I just have to pretend that it doesn't hurt. It hurts, and although I try to keep an open mind and remind myself it's not me, sometimes it is hard. Sometimes it would be nice to feel wanted, that for once I was tempting enough to put off sleep. It worries me a little because this is technically the age where a guy is at his peak. Will it decrease from here on out or increase or does it just depend? If it helps he is on lithium and abilify I believe. He used to be on seroquel. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. I am not trying to be a bad girlfriend, or selfish. I'm asking because right now, I'm frustrated and it would help understanding so I can get to a better place mentally and be supportive of him.

Answer
The two areas in (monogamous) relationships that couples fight about more than anything else are sex and money.  It is always a challenge to keep a relationship alive, but only a part of that job means keeping the sex life from becoming routine or non-existent, and all of the work needs both parts of the couple involved.  
 From the information you've given me, I'm not certain that the missing sex-drive (which varies from person to person with or without bipolar)  is the real issue at hand.  It's not always easy for someone to admit that they may have started to have different feelings about the future, something that often is stirred up by long-distance arrangements.  Depending on exactly how long this decreased interest from his end has been going, it could be any number of things; medication, stress, mixed feelings about everything overall with the relationship, etc.  Of course, you can always consider the option of handling your own needs/satisfaction, which can be very educational when it comes to being prepared for opportunities to start showing him things that you particularly like.  If he's as willing to work out problems as you seem to be, it may just be a topic that he'd rather have active problem-solving sessions in, but is uncomfortable talking about.  Still, you shouldn't be in the position of keeping your hurt feelings to yourself - if he doesn't seem to be getting the message being sent through a hands-on approach, you need to sit him down and tell him what the issue is and what your feelings are - regardless of how uncomfortable he may be...he should think about how incredibly gutsy his girlfriend is being with coming forth on her side of the issue!