Expert: Libby Bonner - 6/20/2009

Question
I am at my wits ends. My Daughter has Bi Polo, She is on Effexor she is 48. I have tried to help her for over 24 years I have lost my Husband, Home, Car & Job, over all of this. She has lost her 3 Children to the State, her home & car Her elder child is Down's Syndrome. & is Foster Care.Her second Daughter has just been arrested for stealing who is on Drugs and wants me to bail her out, Her youngers Daughter who was put in Foster Care got pregnant while in Foster care & is living at Mummy & me program up in Somerset NJ she had a Baby boy in August 08. My Daughter lost her husband who was only 41 from Lung cancer 4 years ago.  She has moved 5 times in the last few months now she is  hours away & is very lonely hearing voices all the time. I am on the edge of a breakdown over all this. I moved away to Ca. to get away from it all, but my other Daughter who is on pills as well beg me to come back to be with the Family. I am thinking of running again to England or back to Ca. but I am tired of running. I am starting to drink wine each night just so I can go to sleep & stop trying to find a solution to it all I am also thinking of  going into the Hospital for Depression as I can' cope with it anymore. I am not thinking of suicide. I just need some help. I have been in Therapy they told me I am so Co Depended I have to let go, I do for a while but then I take it back. Please help as I can't take much more of this messed up Family I am 69 years old & need a Hip replacement real soon. I also have to have a lot of Dental work but I am stuck can't seem to make a Decision as I don't think i can aford it but I keep paying out all the time for my Daughter. I have been going to Al non but it is not working.

Answer
If your daughter has bipolar, she needs other, or additional meds besides Effexor.  AND if she is hearing voices, she needs to see a doctor or be in a hospital.

But that is not your problem to solve.  Nor should you bail out the granddaughter.

I think you cannot be admitted to a hospital psych ward, yourself, unless you are suicidal.

My only advice is to go as often as you can to Al-Anon, and consider AA for yourself because you have begun to drink.  Is there any way for you to get counseling for yourself.

It's pretty clear that you need a lot of tough love here - what you have tried so hard to do w/ them has not worked, and so it is time to stop doing it. It's also time to put yourself FIRST and to spend time and money on getting your life more like you need it to be.  Do you think you would be able to change your phone number to one that is unlisted?  There are always other people for family to call - family services, social workers, 911.  You don't have to be the family emergency squad.

It's not clear to me in what state you now live, but this is something that I could do where I live.  If I am greatly concerned about someone's well-being, or feel that they are frail or uncared for by anyone, I can ask the police to stop by and check, make a "welfare check" to see about their well-being.  Could you do that w/ the daughter hearing voices?

It is horrible to be pulled by all these people and their problems, and to feel like it's up to you....but helping them more really won't change anything.  You can keep them in your prayers, but I would tell them that the Mom-bank has closed, needs a hip replacement, and needs some peace.  And then I'd change that phone number and not answer the door.

Is there a senior citizen center nearby?  You seem to have no one to turn to.  A church, maybe?  It will be much easier to change your life, and to give up on things that haven't worked in the past, if you have some places to go, and welcoming friendly people to visit with.  People who go regularly to senior centers make friends and stay involved with life.  Other women make good listeners....you will find yourself feeling better about family decisions if you can talk to average real people.

These are hard problems, and heart-breaking, but I think you have done more than your part.