Expert: Joanne Chang - 7/22/2009

Question
Hi Joanne. Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. My best friend of four years is Bipolar type 2 mixed. She also is has Boarderline Personality Disorder. She stopped taking her meds almost 2 years ago. She goes to see a therapist at our school once a week, but honestly, I don't she helps her.  Her husband and her family don't really care and have their own problems to deal with.  Her BP is also getting out of control. For the most part she is maniac, but these past couple weeks she has been in depression. She manages to hide it pretty well in front of other people including her own family and her husband, but with me she has shown it and boy, do I get it. For example, this past Saturday my mom and I bought a puppy( a papllion). She has the same dog so I thought of all people she would be the most happy for me. Well, I was wrong. She flipped out on me. She claimed that I am copying her, the dog is going to suffer living with my family, she doesn't like our living conditions, we should have gotten a short hair dog, ect. ect. She went on and on about it. She made me feel really awful. She didn't even apologize. She confide to me the cause of her depression( she broke up with her true love ten years ago and really wants to tell him why she had to do it). Well, last night I found his facebook and I emailed him that I would really like to talk to him about something. Well, this morning I told her about it and she got really upset about it. It never ends. I get so much wrath and I am told constantly what I do wrong, but mind you when she is broke I lend her money. When she is starving I give her food. Whenever she needs something to get done I do it because she is overwhelmed. When she needs me to cover her when she goes out with another guy, I lie for her. I am her only real true friend. I am more of a sister to her than her own sister. No one else gives a damn about her. I do more for her than ANYONE and all hear from her is what I do wrong and what everyone else does RIGHT. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel my mental health is being affected. I don't want to end my friendship with her, but I don't want to be abused like this. I have done extensive research on BP and I've learned not to take her behavior too personally, but it's so hard sometimes. I feel so frustrated. I feel that she doesn't appreciate anything I do because all she reminds me is the mistakes I have made, while she praises other people in her life even people who really don't give a damn about her. There are many days I just want to end my friendship with her, but I know deep down she would be deveasted. I know she really cares about me and is very grateful for all the things I do for her even though she doesn't say it(only when she is drunk), but I really need someone's perspective. Please help!! What should I do?  

Answer
Hi Jennifer,

I am sincerely sorry to hear that you are having much difficulty in your relationship with your best friend currently.

From your e-mail, you appear to be a very genuine friend in that you are concerned for your friend's well-being (e.g. learning more about her condition) and helpful (e.g. thinking of ways to lessen her burdens).
I also understand, however, that you are feeling overwhelmed and need some clarity in moving forward.

Usually, my suggestion when one is overwhelmed is to not make any big decisions for the time being, if possible, such as whether to end a friendship.  Perhaps, take a step back and give yourself room to breathe and gain clarity on the situation first.

There are a number of things you might want to consider:
1) You appear to be your friend's main if not only pillar of support.
You mentioned that your friend is seeing a therapist but you feel that the therapist does not help her.  
Does your friend feel the same?
If so, might she consider seeing another therapist?

2) You stated that your friend stopped taking her meds almost 2 years ago.
Was there a reason she stopped?
You mentioned that you feel her BP is "getting out of control".
Does your friend feel the same?
If so, might she consider seeing a psychiatrist to re-evaluate her need for medication?

Essentially, my suggestion is to encourage and support your friend in becoming more independent in decision-making and in taking on more responsibility for her own well-being.  In doing so, you will also be more able to take care of your own well-being.

In the medium- to long-term, clear boundaries (agreed upon by both parties) are important to preserve goodwill in a friendship.
For example, your friend's responses (e.g. "flipping out") to your actions (e.g. buying a puppy - by the way, I think Papillons are sweet!) are causing you discomfort.
However, likewise, your responses (e.g. e-mailing her true love) to her actions (e.g. confiding in you the cause of her depression) are causing her discomfort.

Perhaps, once you've allowed yourself some time to rest and recuperate (please do!) from what must have been a very emotionally-tiring week, consider having a talk with your friend about boundaries that you would both be comfortable with, the main message being that you both obviously care about each other and need to work on a way forward to express that care in a manner that is comfortable to you both.

I wish you and your friend the best!
Do write back if you have further queries.

Enjoy your new puppy!
Joanne :-)