Expert: Jennifer - 7/5/2009

Question
QUESTION: I fell in love with a man who has bi-polar disorder. Even when he is not on his medication, he remains even tempered, but exhibits psychotic symptoms in which he lies excessively, believing it to be true. He has delusions of grandeur and false memories. He also spends uncontrollably - and not just his money. He has stolen from family members in the past.

I am considering making a life with him, because whether he is on his medication or not, he is emotionally supportive of me. He loves me and treats me like an equal.

Here is my problem: I was raised to find a successful doctor or lawyer. With this man, I will need to almost mother him - I have to be in charge of the finances and make sure he is taking his medication by counting. I literally cannot tell when he's not on his medication besides my own internal "B.S. meter" that tends to go off when he's exaggerating or out-right lying. I know I cannot allow him access to any of my credit information, social security numbers, or anything that could possibly tempt him to destroy my credit or the credit of any future children we may have. He has already destroyed his own credit.  

Am I crazy to consider a life with him? What would happen to him or our children if something happened to me? Who can I turn to support me, since I know my own parents and many of my friends wouldn't understand.

Thank you!

ANSWER: I think that most women (Since I am not a man, I can't say whether or not their experiences are similar!# were raised to find a husband with a good job, decent manners when out in public, and of course they must want children #on a fast-trak schedule most times!) -- then there is the "bonus" list; shared religious beliefs and/or cultural identity (which replaces anything in the #1 spot with individuals who are from more conservative/traditional cultures), displays genuine affection and loyalty to his wife and their marriage, and is involved with his kids (since boys and girls BOTH need their father; boys model themselves after what they see/hear from their dad or whomever is the alpha male around them, and girls need dad around for positive interaction to build healthy self-esteem and make good relationship choices as an adult....among many other things).  That being said, you have to remember that at the end of the day, your parents and any friends who wouldn't approve of the marriage (since they probably don't approve of dating him as it is) - are never going to approve of the guys we bring home, and even if they think that he's "not all that bad" -he'll never be good enough for their daughter.
 
 The thing about your situation right now, is that you can consider whether or not you really want to go into a marriage or cohabitation relationship with a guy who is going to bring his pre-existing character flaws and personality/behavior problems.  You have to consider whether or not you are willing to accept things like the lying, being the "parent/adult", having to take on the job of family finances management and protect any funds from being spent irresponsibly, and counting his medication  for the rest of your life. I would like to have you give me a little more detail - are you asking what he'd do if you're not there to make sure he's not spending or some accident happens and any children plus him have to figure out what to do along with how and whom any kids would be going to live with?  Hope to hear back soon so I can finish answering your question.

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QUESTION: I think I would like to know what steps I could take to ensure that he doesn't have access to the finances. And - if something were to happen to me - who should be lined up to "give him his allowance" and check in on him and any kids we may have? Finally, if I were to pass away, I know he would need an adult roommate to keep him on track. Do we just discuss it with our family and friends?

I also don't want him to feel like a child that needs to be taken care of, so though I'm realistic with him, I don't know how to address this issue without making it seem like he's not a capable adult.

Answer
Financially, you can probably set up a main account which only you can access - this account would be for paying bills and other expenses - and then a second account with the amount you wish to deposit each month that he can spend on what he wants.  The most important thing is to make sure that the two accounts are not linked for overdrafting protection; otherwise the second account will go straight to the main one whenever he goes and spends more than what's in his account for the month to cover the amount overdrawn.  
  As far as long-term arrangements, you should speak to a personal accountant or financial advisor; most likely they will recommend setting up a trust, and naming a trustee (someone you think will be able to carry out the various functions of a trustee, and you should talk to the person before putting their name down) in addition to a regular will.  You may want to contact several accountant/advisors to ask about what their experience with setting up long-term arrangements to provide for a loved one who is mentally ill is.  

Hope that helps!