Expert: Jennifer - 8/1/2009

Question
I have an adult daughter that is 21 years old, she has a daughter, my granddaughter that is 9 months old.
There is so much to say about my daughter and my home has been "crazy" for some time that I really don't know where to begin. My daughter has had issues since she was a young child she was diagnosed with ADHD/OCD. We treated her with behavior treatment, looking back I think we her family adapted to her behavior rather than treating her problems. In high school she did well she was an average student. She was active in sports, cheerleading but had issues with keeping friends. She did have a best friend that she kept from middle school until recently. She has lived with 3 men by the time she turned 20. Immediately upon graduating highschool she moved in with the first young man, it was a unhealthy relationship. She than met and had a relationship with the father of my granddaughter it was also not healthy. After my granddaughter was born she moved back home and met a young man that she went to school with that she would have never dated due to his own issues. He is a convicted felon with drug convictions, he is 21 years old and can not get a drivers license for 10 years. He works but not enough to support my granddaughter or my daughter. I have had to make sure food for them and diapers etc. or kept for my granddaughter. I should back up a bit, when my daughter became involved with this young man she knew we did not approve, she left her daughter with us for 2 months with very little visitation, she eventually came around to get her but at this time I was so afraid for her safety I did what I could to prevent that and offered to get my daughter help. Department of children and family services became involved. She has an apt. with very little furnishings but she had a pack and play and food for the child and although it was not what was best for my granddaughter she was turned over to my daughter because she is not a unfit mother, I know she loves her daughter very much and she is not unfit, but she is unstable and although she is not abusive I feel she is neglectful. My daughter was not raised in this manner. She was given opportunity to go to college only to have money spent and not go to class. I quit my job to watch the baby but she can not hold job, she will have a job and if something comes up she wants to do or someplace she wants to go she will just quit her job. She has never held a job for more than 3 months. The father of my granddaughter tries to stay involved with the child and supports the child but my daughter uses my granddaughter as a pawn, if we don't do this or that she will keep us from seeing her. At this point she hates me she cusses me I can not even repeat the things she has said and done to me. One day she hates me the next she is calling being nice and than asking me for money or something. She has no money for gas, food, and her car is being repossessed because of non-payment . My daughter is a beautiful, witty, smart young lady when she is herself.  I am so afraid for her. She is just treading water and I'm so afraid that at any moment something horrible will happen. Her best friend that she has had since middle school went over to her house and this young man my daughter lives with was caught stealing out of her purse now that friendship was broken because my daughter chose to believe him when her friend caught him. I'm worried for my granddaughter. Her dad is thinking of trying to seek custody and wants my support if our family does this she will hate me forever, at this point I feel I have no choice for the well being of my granddaughter. This man has no drivers license and is on probation but he for a fact drives with my granddaughter in the car, he still uses drugs. I'm at the end of my rope please help me what should I do? We have paid for counseling just to have her make appointments and not keep them. Currently she is not speaking to me. My daughter was raised in a good home while in highschool we  afforded her new cars, trips, Looking back I think we did to much, gave to much just to keep everything running smooth instead of dealing with the "blow ups". Please help. I'm thinking of calling his probation officer and reporting him at least he would go back to jail and be away from my granddaughter.
My daughter has serious mood swings one day she is happy the next if you or not doing exactly what she wants she turns quickly into a cussing hateful person. I'm getting sick myself The stress is killing me. Please help.

Answer
  Based on the information you have provided, I am not convinced that the problem with your daughter is bipolar disorder.  If she lives with someone who you know has been to jail on drug charges and is still using drugs currently, it is unlikely that she has no idea he's using.  That being said, it is also unlikely that a person would choose to live with someone that they know has a drug habit without also having a drug habit themselves.  Her pattern of behavior with sharp mood swings and bad choices may appear to follow the symptoms of bipolar disorder, but it is common for people who have a drug problem to display the same patterns.  
 You have to recognize that right now, your daughter may not be capable of understanding why you would do something "to hurt her", but your granddaughter needs you to do something to protect her - which needs to be your first concern.  You have stated that your daughter isn't speaking to you right now, so for the moment, she's already gone.  Encourage the father to seek full custody and insist that the court require supervised visitation when the child is around your daughter.  If you want to have the ability to see your granddaughter, the father needs to know that and include the terms you and he agree to when he files his paperwork with the court. It isn't going to be a pleasant experience, but you have to begin taking a stand and establishing that although you love your daughter, you are not going to continue to be taken advantage of.  She's an adult, and whether or not she sees it this way, her choices have led her to a place where she can either sink or swim - but it's on her to do what she needs to do in order to get her life together.  You also need to stop being "the bank of mom"; after 18, many young people don't realize that their parents don't have to let them live at home or financially support them if they don't want to.  By letting her act in a hateful and hurtful way, then immediately turn around to ask you for money, it's perpetuating the cycle.  She's confident in you being there to save the day no matter what she's done or how she treats you the rest of the time.  Eventually, she's going to either make the choice to change, or self-destruct; you cannot feel guilty if the second option is what she ends up with, or blame yourself.  As a parent, you do the best you can with the skills you have, there's no way anyone should expect more than that.