Expert: Libby Bonner - 8/12/2009

Question
Is a person with this disorder dangerous? My husband has been in and out of mental facilities for cutting himself all up and also getting life flighted for overdosing on pills all within the past year and a half. He says when he cuts himself it feels good. I love him so dearly, but at the same time am worried about my life and our childrens. Do I subject the children to this? (cutting himself). Do I need to worry about our lives as well. He had brain surgery about 3 years ago and no one knows if that was the cause or not. He tells me he needs me and the kids but when we were with him, he cut himself all the time and acted really scary.I am his wife and feel I should be there for him but at the same time I am trying to see if this is best for the kids as well. I am so confused. Please help. Thanks for reading this.

Answer
Your situation is awfully sad, and terribly complex.  If we were talking, perhaps I could help to some degree, but no email from anyone can offer you very much, I'm afraid.

So, because of the complexity, I would urge you to seek personal help closer to home.  Though if he needed life flighting, I'm concerned about how large your town or city is.  Pls go to nami.org to see if there is a NAMI affiliate close enough to attend.  Their meetings could be a godsend for you.  Family members can often help a lot, and many have scary stories of their own and will know something about what to do.

These are the things that jump out at me, though, as important unknowns.  Your ages; ages of the children; reason he had the brain surgery; what you are living on; whether you have very close friends or family who are any help and support for you.  Was this illness mentioned as a possibility before his brain surgery?  Do you, does anyone, feel that the hospital or surgeon has any responsibility for this?

How near is his psychiatrist, and how often does he see him??  Have you gone to psychiatrist appts with him??  You really should, if you can, to raise the issue of his cutting and the effects on the children.

I wonder what meds he takes?  Does he take meds regularly??  Do you need to keep control of them and dole them out?  YOu say he has been in and out of facilities.  He really should be in one now, it would seem - is there any semi-residential facility that would keep him for several months???  

I'm not sure why he cuts himself all the time, but has been sent home....not sure, either, whether he is being given effective meds, nor whether he is taking them or not.

People who can perhaps advise you:  your own family doctor; an attorney; a psychiatrist other than the one who he sees regularly now -- you can say you want a second opinion from someone from a completely different hospital or city.  People who could help - a counselor for you.  You can possibly find one at a community mental health center.  Find the two closest to you at sahmsa.gov.    ---  Your husband surely also needs continuing help and counseling; does he get any, and from whom.   You could certainly see whether any of the mental health center's programs could be a help to him.

Oh - I do hope your husband has signed a Release of Information, naming you, with every doctor or therapist or hospital that he has contacts with.  It's critical for you to have these, so that you can get full info on his problems.

While you are at the nami.org site, find your state NAMI office.  If none of these other potential helpers has helped, tell your story to someone at the state office, and ask them what they can suggest.

There is no way to know for sure whether he could be a danger to you or the kids.  But from what I read, it would seem that he is probably mainly depressed and more likely to target behaviors to himself.  

I don't know if you work, but I certainly would not be using your husband as a baby-sitter, EVER.  Daddy cutting himself can't be a good thing to see.

I wish I had more and better help to offer.  Do ask other experts, from allexperts or anywhere.

A last thing:  do you feel that the various doctors and mental facilities have completely and thoroughly answered your questions?  [I mean with facts about his illness, his behavior, etc. They can't be expected to know the future with certainty.]  If you feel that you haven't been getting enough, or good enough, answers, it's time to become the squeaky wheel.  Don't be too polite, or too easily brushed aside.  You have rights to answers, and you should even get a little pushy if you need to.  

Good luck.