Expert: Libby Bonner - 9/26/2009

Question
I am an attorney working in juvenile court looking for resource material for a 14 year old girl whose 40 year old mother is bipolar. No indication that teen is bipolar. Mother is emotionally abusive. I am trying to give guidance to the teen, and especially want something she could read or an on-line support group.

Thanks for your help.  

Answer
What a good person you are.  Truly.  And now for the bad news:  your question falls into a huge void, where there is almost nothing of help.  I had a couple of ideas and have come up w/ a couple more online.  But it's skimpy.

First, some Qs.  Is there any dependable adult in her life - church, school, anyone? Could we find anyone to go with her to get her started w/ some local support?  How close is she to a metro area, or a medical school, and would she have transport if needed?  How close is she to a community mental health center?  Find the two closest at sahmsa.gov.  Does her school system offer any formal programs of support for at-risk teens?  Commmunity offer any after-school or evening programs for at-risk teens?

Now, for the stuff I know.  I would try nami.org to try to find a local affiliate.  If you have choices among them, I would only be interested in those that ran family support groups, and not just speaker programs.  This is where I would want to draft anyone to take her to a support group a couple of times to see if it's helpful and whether she wants to continue.  The NAMI program that would help her the most is their free 12-week Family to Family class, taught by trained family members and using a tested curriculum.  Again, she will need/want someone to take her/go with her.  IF there is some family friend or family member whom she respects, who also has contacts w/ bipolar mom, that would be ideal.  They would then become a pair, forever after, speaking the same language.  NB - she will undoubtedly be the youngest in the class, but she will get plenty out of it whether or not she feels like contributing much herself.

From my online work.  I did find mdjunction.com.  Look under Forums.  I know NOTHING about it and was not over-impressed w/ it, but really could find no fault.  It does allow for exchanges among users.

A better choice is a Canadian site, www.camh.net.  Hard to get at the relevant content:  put Bipolar Parent in the search box and you will get two hits, one of which is on target: child of bipolar parent, and then go there.....    This offered quality information and reassurance AND suggested a Plan for when things weren't going well.  You, or anyone, could help her greatly by helping her create a plan, or enlarge on camh's plan.

You could also call the comm mental h centers to see if they, or anyone in the community, offers anything for this girl.  

Last Qs.  Do we know if Mom is on meds and whether she takes them regularly?  Know if seen by doc regularly?   Is this a two-person household?  If yes, very hard on the girl.  Even if a person, as an adult w/ a bipolar other, finally gets the message that "this is NOT at all about me, it's the illness spouting off," it's still hard to take and take and take. And hard to keep believing it.  It's because bipolar anger sounds pretty much like regular anger....and what child can say, "Nah.  That's just her."  And what a mess for an adolescent!  You can disbelieve the crap for awhile, but after a while, you start to buy into all the negative talk and anger....and there goes your self-image, your ability to go on w/ developmental tasks, etc.

Ah, well.  I wonder if there is a way to translate this mantra for spouses into something that would not be damaging for the girl.  It was something like:  "This is not the husband you married. That person is hidden behind his symptoms.  And the symptoms come from inside his head, and not from anything you have done or said."  --- Great, except now this girl has no mother AND it undermines any effective parenting the mom is able to do.  

My last thought.  If this girl reads at or above grade level, you might see that she gets a copy of the book by Woolis called When someone you love has a mental illness.  It's all about improving communication...might help the girl to keep from inadvertantly fanning any flames, give her some cues on when silence is golden, rather than pursuing argument.  Adults find this an incredibly useful book.

If you want to do more on your own, google "child of bipolar parents."  You will still get some garbage, but some relevant stuff too.