Expert: Jennifer - 9/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: I started high school a while ago and i have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months now. Things are going amazing! he told me three days after he asked me out that he does have a form of bipolar disorder. it hasn't effected our relationship in anyway. is the fact that he has a bipolar disorder something that i should worry about now or in our future?

ANSWER: While I tend to be skeptical of a bipolar diagnosis in someone who is younger than 18, I can't honestly say it doesn't actually occur in younger individuals just because the average age of onset is 20.  That being said, I consider it highly insensitive and hurtful for people to decide that because of a diagnosis of bipolar alone, someone is not suitable to have a relationship with.  There is a group of people who seem dead set on making sure that no one wants anything to do with someone who has bipolar; it's practically declared the worst thing someone can have, and it's not exactly a condition anyone CHOOSES to get - we cannot help being what we are, nor can we magically eliminate bipolar disorder from the genetics we inherit.
 
If you haven't had any problems so far, I don't see any reason why you need to worry about a condition that isn't always going to go to the extreme range of the spectrum with every person who has it.  There are people who have bipolar who are not violent or abusive, and can have a relationship that is as close to the "normal" as anyone else who doesn't have bipolar can.  If it were a situation where he was getting involved in behaviors that are self-destructive (alcohol, drugs, criminal activities) or had displayed signs of increased aggression and inappropriate anger - particularly directed at you OR anyone who he is relatively close to emotionally (other friends, family), then it would be a different story.  Besides, you're in high school, which doesn't mean it won't last but it doesn't mean it will either.  Relationships are one of several key areas an individual needs to have in order to be emotionally and psychologically healthy - and that includes people who are bipolar; it's probably even more crucial for bipolars, since the lack of a social support group can send someone with bipolar down a path that a lot never find their way back from.  You may find that some people in your life will try to tell you it's a bad idea to be involved with your bipolar boyfriend, and most of them will do that without even meeting him first.  If you do find that happening, don't let their ignorance make you doubt what you feel for him.  You'll know if/when it's time for you to move on in a different direction and away from the relationship, you just need to listen to your heart and have an open but objective mind.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you for answering my previous question! and i didn't mean to come off as the type of girl to not want to be with someone or think about not being in a relationship with a person that has bipolar disorder, because i know that if we truly have feelings toward each other then we will work through that together. I am not the kind of person to judge anyone.
lets say that his anger is causing him to want to do bad things(drugs, alcohol,etc.) Should i worry about him then? or if his anger is directed toward me also?

Answer
Absolutely, you should be concerned if his anger is causing him to want to engage in activities that are self-destructive to him, or potentially can cause you harm.  Someone with bipolar will be more likely to seek out drugs, alcohol, and other activities that are poor choices as a start and will cause them significant harm; many times drug use is directly related to the person attempting to self-medicate, and should be considered the right time to suggest that they go to a psychiatrist or other qualified mental health care provider to get on medication therapy that is designed to be much more effective in managing their symptoms than they will ever find through illegal substances.  

If he is directing his anger at you, I would suggest that you make an attempt to talk to him about the issue and make sure that he knows it is a problem for him to act this way towards you (or anyone else for that matter) and be clear that it will not be tolerated.  If he does not take that news seriously, or doesn't seem to be willing to work on controlling his anger, you are going to be faced with having to choose yourself over staying the relationship.