Expert: Jennifer - 9/28/2009

Question
My partner and I have been together for three years now. I love him very much, but there was one incident that I can't seem to get past. I once told him I wanted to be a ligitimate nude model for a live drawing class. He went crazy, yelling and pushing furniture over. Then he lunged at me. He didn't hurt me, but it scared me so much I havn't been able to forget it. I said I wouldn't do the modelling so he would calm down, and later on he remembered nothing. He didn't believe me when I told him how angry he was. I know he was telling the truth, but how can he just blackout like that? I know it was only one time, but it worries me that it may happen again, and he could go further and even hurt me. Could he have a disorder? Or was this a fit of rage?

Answer
Most guys will be very unhappy with hearing the woman they are involved with telling them that they want to share themselves in this way - no matter how legitimate of a way, posing nude for artists is mentally considered no different from hearing them say that they want to start posing naked for any mens magazine whether it's playboy or any of the many others.  It's like you're saying "I don't feel that you are enough attention for me, so I am going to go and get the attention of others to compensate."  As weird as it sounds, it's very common, and comparable to how they also seem to be better off not getting too deep into asking about the details of the past sexual experience for someone they're having a LTR with.  Because it is societal bias dictating that men can have as many partners as they would like and are capable of getting into bed - usually very little fuss is made about how quickly a man will walk once he feels he's gotten everything sexual being offered - which is the polar opposite of what women are expected to act on and the reputation that one can be guaranteed when they are engaging in just a fraction of the sexual encounters than their male counterparts.  

The question here is not so much about being bipolar, but why and what does this response indicate of his typical behavior towards you in the relationship.  I've gotten a lot of questions recently about whether it's possible for someone to fly into a rage and act out violently only to later claim they remember nothing of what happened.  It is difficult to say for certain, but my feeling is that guys who make these kinds of claims are probably showing something very revealing about what they're truly like as people, once everything has been stripped down so the charm and the sense of humor that is used to draw women in for a closer assessment of how well they match up to what he will need and how they respond to his standard tactics to get what he wants out of them and the relationship.  They don't even bother to lie about anger management classes becoming a place to exchange information regarding what works and how to avoid getting caught.  Most of the time, the victim of an abusive man doesn't even see the storm coming, which is part of what things they use to find a woman who will be more likely to submit when they strike her rather than leave him which would create feelings of low self-worth which angers and drives their behavior the next time in the attempt to avoid feeling that way again.  I know you said this was the only time, but if anything, at least be honest with yourself.  If it's been a problem - just in different subjects and varying degrees - analyzing whether it may be bipolar is not as critical as finding a safe way to leave.