Expert: Jennifer - 1/4/2010

Question
QUESTION: Dear Jennifer,

I read a previous question you answered for a young man who was dating a bipolar girl. However, I still feel the need to explain my current situation to you because it is a bit different.

First and foremost, I am not interested in a girl but rather an openly gay bipolar man (who I will call "Drew" for the remainder of this message) who's parents do not accept him (which, I know myself, is hard enough on ones mental health).

I met him on a dating website and he immediately came across as a very friendly and charming individual.

Drew and I talked for a few days, got to know a little about eachother and found that the two of us mesh quite well. He has traits that I never thought I'd find in anyone and can be unbelievably sweet, funny and downright romantic.

He and I set up plans to meet once a friend who had been staying with me left. About a week before that date he suddenly stopped talking to me completely. While I've had men pull disappearing acts before it really surprised me because he seemed to be highly interested in me.

He eventually replied, quite angrily, to one of my messages (he went so far as to threaten me). While this would alarm most people, I knew right away that he was more than likely bipolar.

I let him rant all he wanted and get it all out, then waited. Eventually he messaged me telling me the truth, which I'd already told him I knew since it was so obvious.

I'm sure the majority of people would take that as a red-flag and head for the hills, especially considering we're not dating and I haven't even met him in person yet. However, I myself suffer from clinical depression, though it's been quite some time since I've had an episode. So I know what it's like to not be as in-control of your emotions as you'd like.

After he came to me with the truth he continually told me he was no longer interested in me and would argue with me and get frustrated when I refused to believe him or back down. I know defense mechanisms when I see them, and that is clearly what he was doing.

I messaged him on New Years asking if he had a good time and he replied very civilly and I knew right away from his reply that he'd calmed down.

He told me he's missed me and really opened up to me tonight, he told me about his ex and how he loved him and how the two of them dated for 9 months and that he (the ex) just decided to break up with him after Drew had helped him move to Ohio (while keeping the phone Drew had bought him).

I sat and listened while he told me all this and just let him vent. He reminds me of my father in a lot of ways, very emotionally private so I felt almost honored that he trusts/likes me enough to open up on what's bothering him.


My question is, in your opinion, do you think I have a shot at having a successful, long-lasting, happy relationship with "Drew" or am I just setting myself up for failure?

I cannot, in good faith, throw him aside simply because of his illness but, at the same time, I don't want to end up in a relationship that makes me more miserable than I ever was before it.

But on the same note, he makes me really happy. I mean right now he's practically a stranger but he makes me laugh and he's so stubborn that it becomes adorable and I can honestly say that I like who I am when I am talking to him.

As of right now he and I are planning to meet sometime soon and I know that, should he slip into a manic episode again, I will be willing to wait until he's ready. His anger doesn't really phase me although it might be different if he were to actually be screaming in my face, although I generally keep a very cool head when people yell at/around me.

I'm very interested in hearing your thoughts though. Thanks so much for reading.

Sincerely,

Matthew

ANSWER: Matthew,

    I can't help but worry that this young man may have more going on than just being bipolar, though I have only the things you've told me and in this 'hard to read' (I've often said that type on a screen is an imperfect medium when it comes to emotional subjects, and then some..) format; you mentioned that you knew right away that "drew" was most likely bipolar; was that something that he spoke about on his own or did you mention your thoughts on the matter first?  The reason I ask is because of an experience that a friend had shared with me involving someone she was romantically interested in and essentially had learned by prior experience and how to mimic certain patterns to take advantage of the fact that people tend to assume certain behaviors are typical of bipolar but that they "couldn't be blamed" for their actions if they weren't medicated.  Long story short it ended badly, the person had been claiming to have bipolar since finding that it could be useful from other inmates during the first of several incarcerations which took place before meeting my friend in a bipolar support group. Now this is an example of a very bad situation that hopefully doesn't happen often out in the world, but in this day and age, people are lonely.  That loneliness shouldn't be exploited but unfortunately is, by unscrupulous people, many of which are willing to use whatever means necessary.  

  It may or may not be possible to have a quality relationship with this man, and above all, you should probably make sure that this thing with his ex is really and truly over.  From the limited information you have provided, his actions seem like he's not completely broken up with his ex and you don't want to be involved in something with a great potential for you to be hurt by him going back and forth between you and the guy from his recent past.  My advice is to proceed with extreme caution, and absolutely completely and definitely DO NOT stick around for anything further if he DOES display violence towards you once you've met in person.  Yelling, threatening, hitting something next to you, gets close to hitting you (basically to make you flinch and test to see if you're going to put up with it) - all of that counts.  Emotional abuse counts.  No one, gay, straight, trans or trysexual, needs to put up with anything like that; no matter how wonderful the person may be the remaining 364 days of the year.

  I hope this helped, please let me know if I can help you with anything else, and I'd like to hear back from you about how things are going.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Jennifer,

Thank you for replying to my question so promptly. I apologize for the lack of information, I thought I was thorough enough but apparently I wasn't. The reason I knew Drew was bipolar is because I am familiar with it's effects.

It was rather obvious when he went to bed liking me and was freaking out at me by 2pm the next day. I did tell him I thought he was bipolar when during one of his rants, but it wasn't until a few days later (after he'd calmed down) that he contacted me telling me the truth. I highly doubt anoyne would fake something like that, it's not like it benefits anything.

Underneath it all he's very lonely. He has pushed all his friends and anyone, like me, who tries to care about him away. I think he does it on purpose to "protect us", but he won't admit it...he's too proud. But I'm very good at reading people and I can tell that's what he's doing.

He wants a relationship just as bad as anyone else but considers himself a monster. He told me his mother is also bipolar and he hates seeing her on medication because it's turned her into a walking corpse.

I have spent the last few days thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong and I do not hate myself enough to stay with someone who would hit me. But I've asked him about it and he said he's never hit anyone.

As for his ex, he is dating someone else and Drew isgetting over it but I can see how it would be incredibly difficult considering he has no one else to turn to. Perhaps he is just playing to my Cancerian nature of wanting to nurture and take care of others, but I doubt it.

I think he is just a very sad young man who secretly hates himself for his illness and doesn't know what to do or where to go.

My only real issue with him is that he smokes weed frequently, which is something I do not partake in nor enjoy at all. However, he is an adult and it's his body. I told him to just not do it around me, which he agreed to.

Overall I think the good has the potential to outweigh the bad, but I cannot put up with rapid cycling or lack of communication etc. I've been waiting a long time to meet someone, so I'm not going to settle now if he doesn't make me happy.

Answer
Matthew,

    You have a good heart and from what I can tell, a kind and considerate nature.  I have known many people who have bipolar (one of them being myself) and one thing that has plagued us all is the tendency for society around us to generalize and label all of us as a lost cause to be avoided in the context of relationships.  None of us deny that we can be challenging to deal with, %26 though medication does help it doesn't completely get rid of the symptoms nor are they a cure, and there's always a possibility that what is an effective treatment now will not last forever so a change is likely to be necessary.  Still, my friends and I believe that we will need the support and help from the people in our lives that care about us to be our advocates in fighting to change the image connected to bipolar disorder that most people believe in.  We are successful, generous, passionate, caring, and capable of loving others without harming them or cruelty.

Take things slowly, trust in your instincts, and encourage him to stop self-medicating and help him learn about the differences that new medications now available can do to improve his overall quality of life.  Good luck and let me know how things go!